自源自语

Sleeping Disorder, again !?

2012-02-06T11:47:00.000-08:00

It is 310am on Tuesday morning
tomorrow is a working day
yet I am awake in the middle of the night, don't know what can I do

My sleeping hygiene has not been good since always
being in this profession makes it even worse

I can't sleep at night since last week, after a sleepless, and busy call
continue my post call day with locum was not a good idea at all!

the next day I was totally too tired and exhausted, couldn't wake up to go work, have to call for MC

then, I cont to sleep until 3-4 pm (to wake up "naturally?!")
it all went haywire from there.

I went to do weekend call with 'zero' hour of sleep the night before
luckily the call was a good one
I took a short nap in the afternoon (thank god no bad case was referred that day!)
even though the call continues to be good at night, I just couldn't sleep...

now, I couldn't break out of this vicious cycle
cant sleep at night, and feeling sleepy in the day time

Argh!!!!

I don't think I will be able to sleep tonight, have been lying on bed for hours!

so, I make a cup of hot coffee and plan to go work tomorrow straight without sleep

I hope there is no locum tomorrow, so that I can sleep early tomorrow, hoping to change back my circadian rhythm

This kind of sleeping pattern is crazy!
Need to get it right!
coffee is not helping at all actually, but what to do?
I am the biggest caffeine junkie you can possibly find...

Recently, things has been a bit out of control actually
CNY's long holiday + midnight mahjong ...
insomnia...
trying to do too much locum...
no swimming for long time liao...
the hope to transfer department doesnt turn out to happen soon...(was so-ready to get transfered coming back from cny holiday liao de!!!)
peoples...
even my laptop is going against me, suddenly becomes so freaking slow, always jam , hang, took forever to turn on....!!!!(it hangs many time while i was writting this as well, I really want to throw it to the seas!)
Oh ya, not just the laptop, my phone also failed on me recently!!! The one I have used for 7-8 years, with all my contacts insides!!!

aih...
got to stop this,
make more time to myself
reduce locum , swim regularly
reduce coffee (i doubt that is possible though)

*thank God I have no on call this week!

手写日记

2012-02-01T11:52:00.001-08:00

好久没用笔来记录心情，多亏朋友给的这本，starbucks 笔记本，唤起我写日记的欲望。哈哈。

Is a mess

2012-01-30T07:32:00.001-08:00

Everything in life is broken into pieces, is a mess.

回顾2011 瞻望2012

2012-01-07T08:38:00.000-08:00

说要为2011 写个终结，现在2012 都一个礼拜了，才来写。
还是在，ON CALL 的时候写的，哈哈。
现在是凌晨一点，ON CALL 的夜，睡不着，就来写写吧。

看回去2011 年的回顾：
http://kimyanpoh.blogspot.com/2011/02/blog-post.html

这是去年的新年愿望

1。希望家人安康，好好照顾自己

2。要自律，严以惩己，宽以待人

3。乐观点

4。睡眠要健康

5。理财

6。学好自由式

7。学潜水

8。享受生活，要快乐！

发现，去年设下的目标，统统没达成，除了学会自由式。Erm。。。

想想去年做了什么。。。

orthopedic posting, 去了 Mabul Island
虽然，没有去到真正的sipadan,
也没有潜到水
可是，算是到此一游了吧？
今年一定要去拿潜水执照！不管！！！

medical posting, 第二次游台湾。
这次，去了阿里山，诚品，101
喜欢这个国家。

finish Housemanship, 去了 India！
终于知道，为什么是 !ncredible India
他是一个很特别的国家，让你又爱，又恨。
去了印度，让我对旅行有了不同的看法，
更加对自助旅行上了瘾
很多在印度的回忆。。。
好朋友一起旅行，是一件很享受的事！

India 回来，在Telupid 上了一个月多的班
Erm，完了housemanship, 就开始对事业，工作的茫然
以后要做什么？再读书，再考试？
自己想要的是什么？！我也不知道。

不久，transfer 回Pahang的信就来了。
就这样，我告别沙巴。

回到Temerloh
它是我的hometown, 我却觉得陌生的地方。
怀念沙巴的猪朋狗友。
很孤单，
不喜欢现在的部门，
一个人去游泳，一个人吃饭，一个人。

所以，我去流浪了！
去了Cambodia
为2011年，画下一个美丽的句号。
旅行，是生活，很重要的一部分！

2012 年愿望，甭写了，因为，跟去年的一样。
除了学会自由式之外。

有些东西，是不是都学不会？！
还是，要用一生的时间，来学？

忘了忘了，有一件事，我要它在2012 发生：
申请transfer 去另一个部门- Ophtalmo
下个星期一交信，我真的需要这件事实现。
在现在的部门，做得很不开心，很压力。不喜欢！
希望transfer 被approved,
然后，就是在今年，读书，考试！
要上进！

看回这些照片，都回想起当时拍的时候，的心情。

可能，2012 年，还要学会怎样去：

流浪去

2011-12-29T06:56:00.001-08:00

旅行有时候需要一点点冲动，一些地方，想去很久，都没去。等假期，等便宜机票，等朋友结伴、、、到最后都没去到。
这一次，一时冲动的我，就这样来到了-Cambodia!
以前，没钱去旅行，因为不能用家里的钱去玩。工作后，赚了自己的钱，犒赏自己的方法，就是去旅行。

去了印度，让我对旅行有不同的看法，更加爱上了自助旅行。
享受研究当地的历史，民情，故事、、、
喜欢为那一次旅行，自己安排的行程，
Book guest house/ hotel.

尤其喜欢住宿这一块，
或许是能满足喜欢室内设计，却当不成室内设计，的自己吧？！

这一次，一个人旅行。
不管三七二十一，拿了假，book 了机票，我终于来到了这里。

在网上，book了 villa medamrei。没让我失望。

在街闲逛一个下午，黄昏就去Angkor wat 的bakheng hill 看日落。

睡个觉，隔天早上，六点半就去Angkor wat 看日出。Amazing!世界遗产，可不是盖的！
远看，叹为观止；近看，细节更引人入胜。
还有更多Angkor wat 和siem reap的照片，不在iPhone 里，要回去才能上载。
走了一整天的Angkor wat, 我累得从下午睡到隔天早上。
起来，就乘坐巴士，出发去phnom penh了。六个小时。

到了，就接到同事的信息，说我一月一号on call，找不到替代。

烦死人了，放假还要f烦工作.
被这个信息扰乱了心情，一整天不开心，很烦。
铁了心，定了新的机票，早一天回去，on call.
好了，从现在开始，我要抛下工作的烦恼，好好享受剩下的旅程。

待续 part 2...

我要去流浪！

2011-12-19T08:08:00.000-08:00

这几个月，生活，工作环境的改变，有点错手不及。
好久没有静下来，沉淀。
屈指一算，要四个月了。
适应不适应，还是得适应。
但改变不了环境，是时候改变自己的态度。
要乐观态度。丢掉悲观。

逃避解决不了问题，坦然面对才是上策。

四个月了，我要给自己放一个假。

想去流浪

有种冲动，买了机票，走人。

机票好贵，需要很多冲动一下。

想抽离现在的环境一下。

我们这份工不是人做的，没有放长假，会发狂的，哈哈。
可是有些人天生工作狂，热爱这份工，愿意牺牲自己的时间。
我，绝对不是那种人，Lolz.

好想去流浪！！！

陳奕迅 - 孤獨患者

2011-12-05T04:22:00.000-08:00

孤獨患者

主唱：陳奕迅
作曲：方大同
填詞：小寒
編曲：Edward Chan．方大同
監製：Edward Chan．Charles Lee．方大同

歌詞

歡笑聲　歡呼聲
炒熱氣氛　心卻很冷
聚光燈　是種蒙恩
我卻不能　喊等一等

我真佩服我　還能幽默
掉眼淚時　用笑掩過
怕人看破　顧慮好多
不談寂寞　我們就都快活

我不唱聲嘶力竭的情歌
不表示沒有心碎的時刻
我不曾攤開傷口任宰割
癒合　就無人曉得　我內心挫折
活像個孤獨患者　自我拉扯
外向的孤獨患者　有何不可

笑越大聲　越是殘忍
擠滿體溫　室溫更冷
萬一關燈　空虛擾人
我卻不能　喊等一等

你說你愛我　卻一直說
說我不該　窩在角落
策劃逃脫　這也有錯
連我脆弱　的權利都掠奪

我不唱聲嘶力竭的情歌
不表示沒有心碎的時刻
我不曾攤開傷口任宰割
癒合　就無人曉得　我內心挫折
活像個孤獨患者　自我拉扯
外向的孤獨患者　有何不可

我不要聲嘶力竭的情歌
來提示我需要你的時刻
表面鎮定並不是保護色
反而　是要你懂得　我不知為何
活像個孤獨患者　自我拉扯
外向的孤獨患者　需要認可

what I feel now

2011-11-01T10:51:00.000-07:00

I really feel like quitting....

don't like what I am doing
I am not good in doing what I am doing now, not just that, I think I suck
trying to hypnotise myself that I will like and finally be good in this
Deep down, I am not happy,
Doing everything to meet people's expectation
Forcing myself to meet up with that expectation is torturing

In the middle of the night at 2am, I am writing this during my first tagging call

I am no quitter, but doing this is making me unhappy, stressed like never before.

Steve Jobs said: the only way to do great thing is to do what you love, if you haven't found it, don't settle, keep looking

Should I ?

I really want to...

After september ends...

2011-10-21T06:57:00.000-07:00

Today is day 12 of starting new posting in new place.
To adjust into this new environment, is not easy.
First week, I was totally in culture shock.

Being put in a department which I am not interested in, is hard to perform.
Never thought of becoming a pediatric MO la, is just so not my personality.
But there is no other place to go.
I wanted to perform good, but it is hard when you are doing something you dont really like;
and pushing myself to do something I dont really like doubles the stress.

coming to a totally new place, I still get lost in the building.
I dont know any of the staff here.
Totally blur!

Hate this feeling of being so blur, disoreintated, helpless...I feel really stupid, STUPID!

week 2, I expect it to get better, but it just doesnt seem like tat...

Boss and seniors expect me to perform to a certain level, which I dont think I have achieved. such a failure....

Feel so lonely, I really miss my friends.
Eating dinner alone, everyday. pathetic.
I wish they are here. Miss those time we have, bitch about life, work,or nonsense!

Choose to come back, because it will be nearer to home;
but I still think most of the time, I feel like running away, far far from it...
I am trying, not to escape.

currently, I m really stressed and a little low mood in this transition period
It takes time to really adapt to new environmet, I know it will get better.

In conjuction with Hari Malaysia...

2011-09-15T08:07:00.000-07:00

Have been wanting to write about this topic since I have started to work here in Telupid. In conjunction with hari Malaysia, I think at least I should write something about my country and the government.

First of all,let me introduce to you this ulu place called Telupid. It is a small district in Sabah state. Located in the middle of 2 biggest city in Sabah, Kota Kinabalu and Sandakan. It is basically a dead town, but due to its 'strategic' location- in the middle of 2 big city, you will have to pass by this place if you are travelling between these 2 big city. It is the only road connecting them. There is nothing here, no mall, no KFC, basically NOTHING!

Then, you might wanna ask: if is a dead town, why got people live there? Most of the people live here are UR (Unregistered)or BWN (Bukan Warganegara), basically illegal immigrant who come to work in the oil palm estate. This might sound unbelievable to you but from the patient pool in my klinik, 90% of them are URs!!!!

Lets write about our government. I think they are brainless!!!

1. they want to force medical officer to come to this dead town to provide health service, but they reduce your allowance (imagine being paid less than who work in town, and even less salary if compared to HO's salary!)If you want people to serve at places like this, shouldn't you give them more benefits? no wonder they are always having problem to send MOs to serve here.

2. it is called a klinik kesihatan, but ACTING like a hospital, with an not-completely-equipped Emergency Department.Being called as Emergency Department, we can't provide good resuscitation due to lack of equipment.

3. because this place is so ulu, nobody stays here for long. Hence, it is very difficult to find a house or room to rent (because there is rarely any demand). They know very well that is damn difficult to rent a house here, but they force you to stay in Quarters, so that they can cut your elaun willayah which worth around RM900/ month. Even though you are just staying in a small old room, your 900 will be deducted! Crazy! Pay 900/month for a old smelly small room?!

4. why do we need to open this klinik if its main population is URs? Isn't that government klinik is meant for OUR OWN people?

5. How do we allow SOOOOO many of them to come here illegally and did nothing to stop them?! Seriously, if we conduct a population study here, the majority is UR! They already out number us here!

Feel very frustrated with how the government does thing. And they force us to be functioning with limited resources, but you tell me how la?! How to resus pt with Intraab injury without blood product? So-called ED, but can't stabilize pt pun! Want people to come and serve people at these Ulu place but wanna cut our elaun, force us to stay in quarters so that can cut our elaun?! Why do we need a klinik if the main purpose is to serve non Malaysian?! waste the taxes that we pay!!!!

I'm writing this not to complaint, but with the purpose to point out the problem that we don't see/don't dare to face! I care, because I want my country to improve, not regress!

I think if we wanna progress, we need to do something about it, or else we will just continue to be a developing/ 3rd world country.

At last, Happy Hari Merdeka, and I love my Malaysia.

*To URs: get the hell back to your own country!

When September Ends...

2011-09-01T10:09:00.003-07:00

This year's September is different.
Going to transfer back to Pahang at the end of September.
It is a turning point to my work and life.
Kinda sad to leave, yet looking forward to go back to Semenanjung.
Gonna miss the people here, the friends here.
With them, make this 2 years housemanship fun n enjoyable.
I am leaving this land, but the memories I have here, will be in my mind where ever I go.

Coming here to Telupid is a blessing maybe, but I m not meant to stay here for long.
On the very first day I start work here, was informed that my transfer to Pahang has just been approved.
Working here really open my eyes.
Never been so Jonah in my entire medical life.
Seeing weird and interesting cases almost everyday.
Managing patients with limited resources and equipment, has really trained me to be confident in clinical judgement.

Telupid is a boring/ dead town * no offence, but is true.
I hope I provide good health service during my time.
But, is my time to go back to serve My people (so sick of seeing URs already)

Serving my people, including my family. which was the reason for me to go back at the first place.

countdown the days left in Telupid...and the days in Sabah too.

Booked the ticket to fly back on 28th September.

Am I ready to leave Sabah and all of these behind?

Am I ready to go back?

Life is like this, we need to move on.

Leaving, I bring along all the memories I cherish in my heart.
Going back, I look forward to new chapter of life.

New beginning day 1

2011-08-15T03:16:00.000-07:00

Today is my first day in Telupid.

Drove 3.5 hours to reach, was having a pleasant drive enjoying the great view of kundasang and mount kinabalu.

Reach KK telupid and went into my colleague’s house (sharing house with him). Initially I choose to stay in his house instead of taking another old house, thinking that a relatively new brick house must be better than a wooden house with history.
Who knows?! A concrete brick house still can be worse than an old wooden house (if not being taken care of, cleaned regularly)

After shaking hand with my new housemate (a person whom I query his hygiene level), he led me to my room. And my pleasant feeling all went away right there and then!
Looking into the room, my heart sunk. It was basically empty except an old smelly mattress (it has a brown-black color, eow). There was an unpleasant smell gushing out from that room as he open the room door, making me feeling more uncomfortable.

Walking inside, the room looked worse. I saw the thick dust on the glass window, spiders on the wall with their nets, ants everywhere on the wall as well, carrying their egg or something like that (whitish thingy the size of a rice).

First thing to do was to take a deep breath (calm myself), but the smell of the room, forget it!!!

Started chatting with the no-sense-of –cleanliness housemate, I feel more and more sad.
Why sad? Being told two information that I wasn’t aware of:

1. Choosing to stay in this relatively new, brick house, the almost 1k elaun wilayah will be deducted from my every month salary!!!!!WTF! Even though I am sharing the house with other people, they still will deduct all the elaun wilayah! * should have chosen to stay at the old wooden house, which was too old to be considered as quarter!!!!!! And no need to deduct my elaun! Stupid me? But they will probably not allow to do so la, cos the wooden house got female staffs staying inside, can’t mixed male and female in one house, aih….Malaysia o malaysia

2. The no-sense-of-cleanliness housemate is going to be transferred back to semenanjung next month, leaving me and the other MO here taking care of the klinik kesihatan! * His reasons for transfer: 1. Wife moved back to semenanjung 2. Without elaun wilayah, earning money less compared to when he was HO. Kuang kuang kuang
Aih…what to do, I ignore the information so that I can start cleaning my room (if not how to sleep tonight?!)

Okay, start with sweeping floor, (I am at least smart enough to buy new broom, dustbin, and mop), I saw this big group of ants in the corner of the room, carrying their egg (whitish thing sized of rice), a big bunch of them. And I wonder where the hell they carry their eggs from la!!!!Following their track, I turn the carpet inside out, OMG, with the shock of my life; I see hundred thousands of ants and their eggs under the carpet. Goose bump coming out right away!

I leave the room stat and drove my car to town to buy Mortein (racun nyamuk). I think I spray half a bottle of the Mortein to kill most of the ants and their eggs. After spraying, I continue sweeping the floor to find hundred thousands of dead ants, like a small pile of sand like that!

I sweep –mop the floor and keep repeating this sweep-mop process don’t know how many times, until I think the floor is clean enough, and the Mortein’s chemical is being washed out.

When I go to the toilet to take water for cleaning, I wonder why the toilet light is not functioning. Thinking that the light problem is a new/acute thing, I ask my new housemate: the light problem is new is it? Why not fix it?

New housemate: oh, it was like that quite some time already, but it was too high for me to change the bulb, so I just leave it like that. (OMG, you bath in dark every morning and night?! How did you do that?!)

I am not going to take bath in pitch dark! I drove my car out to town again to buy a new light bulb and change it! Then I took my shower under bright light!

It was a long cleaning process and I am tired. Trying to sleep but I can’t. A very strange and mixed feeling which I can’t really put in words.

I am not regretting my decision to stay and coming to district, but, these unforeseen circumstances really hit me.

There is no other way but to adapt here, which I know I will, soon.

Going to make my room more cozy and comfortable next 1-2 days.

Things to do tomorrow :
1. Getting an air conditioner (don’t care about the money, I need to make myself comfortable)
2. Getting a fridge
3. A new and clean mattress (I slept on the floor tonight)
4. Massive shopping: table, chair, water filter, cupboard, iron board…..

It will be good after settling down, and also a massive cleaning process (for the living room, toilet, kitchen area, argh…..)

Insomnia at the very first night spent in telupid, I finished reading ‘the white tiger’ which I bought from India. It is a really really good book, will write about that book later.

Going back to bed, ops, not bed, is the floor for tonight, hope to get a decent sleep, tomorrow going to report to pengarah hospital Beluran. Thankful, no need to start work straight away, because I still have a lot of cleaning and buying to do for my room/house!

Well, I still can’t sleep.

So we continue with this ‘the white tiger’ by aravind adiga. Aravind, a former Indian correspondent for Times maganize, lives in Mumbai, India. This book was his first novel , and has won him The Man Booker Prize 2008.

I bought it in Udaipur, India. Udaipur is the part of my trip when we can slow down our pace, and take time walking down the streets, and spending time shopping or looking for interesting stuffs. That was the time I have time to go into book store, and think of buying the books suggested by Lonely Planet.

This is the first book store we went in india trip. And this shop keeper strongly recommend us to read the white tiger, when I ask him, which is THE book to read. So, I decided to buy it, at around 350rp. * but after that I realized he sold us at higher price, the retail price should be rp 299. But what the hell, it was still cheap if compared to the price we buy any book in Malaysia. And no doubt, this is THE book to read.

The story was about a successful entrepreneur , writing letter to Wen Jia bao in china. Telling him his point of view for his own country-India, and also his own story. He was born in a family making sweets, which is low class people. His father was a rickshaw puller and he was a servant. But he managed to break out of this fate of being servant to finally become master of many people. In the process, he needed to do something criminal, not ethical, but that is how he broke the cycle of his family fate.

There are so many things about India inside the novel, which are very true but most Indian people don’t see/refuse to admit. It is very bold of the author to write those things in the novel.

Love reading it, especially after my india trip. Because I know the things he wanted to say, the places, the people, the money, the café coffe day….

I would strongly suggest people who has been to india or planning to go india to read this book. Is a must read book!

Life...Death...

2011-04-18T06:01:00.000-07:00

Being in this current posting, I see death almost everyday, or more accurately, I see people dying in front of me everyday. They usually become unresponsive first, vitals might be haywire, but they are not dead yet. and when you try to intervene, they might improve or they might just continue to deteriorate, and dying in front of you. heart rate from fast now is slow, very slow, then no heart rate on monitor...These kind of patients, some might come back from dying, some just die.

This kind of death is commonly seen and you will kind of get numb of it later on.

There is another type of dying, which i see today.
14 y.o girl, separated parents, staying with grandmother only, ingested paraquat (?claimed accidental ingestion), and we cant do anything for her except to inform her and her family that she is dying slowly...

she is still vy well actually, but now kidney is failing, slowly, the lung will be damaged, she will have difficulty in breathing, full blown kidney failure, and eventually she will die, just the duration for deterioration we don't know.
Not knowing how serious is her prognosis, she might thought that she is still okay, and expect to go home later, but we are yet to inform her and her family that she will be dead in about 1 or 2 weeks time, there is no antidote for paraquat poisoning and the damage to the organ is expected and not preventable, unless patient comes vy early to hospital...

how to tell a 14 y/o that she is dying?

life is precious, be grateful
life is short, appreciate every moment of it

what would you do if you were told that you are dying?
what would you do differently if you have only 1 week left to live?
what you wish to do before you die?

Do it now!

Matchbox Twenty - Unwell (Video)

2011-04-12T04:48:00.000-07:00

从回原始

2011-03-28T04:41:00.000-07:00

返璞归真，可以这么说吧。
前几天去了Mabul Island，难得远离烦嚣，亲近大自然。吸收阳光，空气，投入大海的怀抱。把身上的负离子，统统赶走，吸收大自然的正离子，哈哈。
遗憾的是，没能去到真正的Sipadan, 虽然那么靠近了。还有，应该早点去考Diving 的！
回来，发现streamyx 被cut 掉了（死鬼TM Net! 天天不寄帐单来，地址改了还是一样，不是我不要还，你没帐单来，我怎么还？！）
所以，我来个返璞归真，从温以前大学时，在自己电脑打了部落格，等有的上网时，再上载。
整个weekend,都没的上网，或者是Facebook。但还是生存了下来。有时候，真的需要把自己归零，回到原始的自己。很多东西，太过依赖，变成一种瘾，慢慢的吞噬着我们这些都会人。
没能上网，就把电脑里的歌，全播一遍。发现以前录下来的几首歌，回味着以前在唱那些歌的时候。多久没唱k了？我好想唱！
就要开始新的posting, medical. 怎么会有点紧张呢？都6th posting 了。可能是之前ortho 真的太过闲空，脑都生锈了。现在要warm up, 有点像读书时，放假后要开始新Semester的感觉。期待，又有点不安。不安，正是我现阶段的心情写照。
期待忙碌的工作，可以充实充实自己。
归零后，充好电，我整装待发。。。

一年之计在于春

2011-02-09T04:58:00.000-08:00

今年新年同学会的请柬

其实计划应该是在一月就做了吧？不过还可以在年还没过完做吧。
结束2010年，开始了2011。

回顾去年，erm, 从哪开始呢？

pead 吧，去年过年也在pead

那四个月是最开心的，虽然累，但我觉得充实。好的伙伴一起工作，是最享受的事吧！

看到他们这么可爱的脸，怎能不开心呢？

eop pead 我们去了padas white water rafting. 好玩，不过没翻船，小小遗憾。翻回照片，才发现，也去了kudat

o n g, 算了，别提。哈哈，你看我多讨厌这个posting :) 应该不只我罢了。

eop o n g , 去了台湾，花了不少钱。但是却爱上了台湾，这个五月我又要去啦，台湾 here we come! 这次的飞机票，便宜多了，酱可以有多点钱来雪拼拉

怎么会在台湾剪了个酱的头出来？！

a n e, erm, 算蛮无聊的，除了那个人见人恨的哑狗。除掉他，整个posting 还算不错。好不热闹的一个posting, 好像是HO gathering 的感觉。很多之前不很熟的，都玩在一起。

a n e eop, 哈哈，有朋自远方来，不亦乐乎。

我们去爬了gunung Kinabalu, 美不胜收的风景，最重要的是，一起爬山的好同伴们

这个trip 把几个我要做的事情， tick 了起来。

在kundasang 过夜 ticked

爬神山, 到山峰哦！ ticked

island hopping ticked 虽然有点失望。。。但是那是一定要做的是喔，so called haha, pulau redang & perhentian 美多咯！

ortho, 我讨厌的程度，仅次于 o&g, 因为讨厌无所事事，不systematic 的部门，还有，那么多HO, 很难做事，但现在还要继续suffer 在这里，希望剩下的时间，安全度过就好。

唯一好处，可以拿较多leave for CNY lor

新年，回到家

每次回家，都会被逼看到/听到我不想看/听的东西。

为什么，要制造更多问题？

长大了，不是应该学会照顾自己，照顾身边的人吗？

怎么，反过来了呢？

可以不管吗？我怎么管？可是，大家都expect 我来clean up the mess

烦死人

见到好久不见的同学朋友们，大家还是老样子， I mean mentally, not physically wor...

好多人都发福到不可收拾，生活繁忙，赚钱困难，他们说，没时间照顾自己的身体，更何况体重！

现实是残酷的，但是，我还不愿意放弃照顾自己的身体和体重咯，哈哈，希望明年不会变uncle 样啦

新年愿望

1。希望家人安康，好好照顾自己

2。要自律，严以惩己，宽以待人

3。乐观点

4。睡眠要健康

5。理财

6。学好自由式

7。学潜水

8。享受生活，要快乐！

Picture speaks a thousand words

2010-12-16T06:49:00.000-08:00

啊！！！！！！

快爆炸了。最近的生活，工作都让我快爆炸了！

工作量少，但是，相反地，却让我越不开心。

是个需要外在压力让我表现更好的人，在这样的环境下，可说是折磨呀。

讨厌偷懒，天天吃蛇的人。

但是，未免在‘耳濡目染’之下，自己也有了蛇的样子。

所以，越发讨厌自己？！

顶不顺堕落的自己，却随波逐流, 无法自拔

俗话说：不能改变环境，就改变自己的心态。

当你太过闲空时，就会想很多，无谓的，多余的，不可能的，发梦的...

所谓理想，梦想，真的只能想想而已吗？

还是，看你敢不敢梦？！

在书展，买了很多本书，试着填补空白时间

几米的又寂寞又美好画出了寂寞但是美好在那里？

毛毛兔，这个下午真好玩。至少，有毛毛兔陪你玩。。。

my sister keeper, 触动人心的叙述方式。故事很引人入胜，还在努力啃着。。。每个人，背后都有他的故事，造就了现在的他。。。

狂人日记，根本是schizophrenia with paranoid delusion 。还有阿Q，现在才真正认识他。才发现，我并不想做阿Q叻！什么啊Q精神啦？是啊Q 神经吧？！

拼命的游泳，希望自由式可以进步点。都游了几年了，还是裹足不前。

Picture speaks a thousand words...

This is crazy

2010-11-30T06:00:00.000-08:00

Past 1 month was a crazy roller coaster for me, luckily I survive the ride and landed safe. Once bitten, twice shy. That's all I can say.
Moving on the new environment, initially had a culture shock due to the level of joblessness. Unconciouslly becoming lazier... spending those free time with crazy friends, makes us all crazy.
Doing stupid things, talking nonsense,

Ironically,

I am scared of this joblessness and laziness
(e.g. 1.A friend was doing non stop voluntary burping in POP room, 1. snapping photos of a person with calcified brain ) we r really 'shot' already!

Need motivations, which is kinda difficult in this kind of environment
Too much of anything is not good, especially joblessness

Joblessness really can make you go CRAZY :)

will young-leave right now

2010-11-04T04:08:00.000-07:00

Leave Right Now Lyricsby Will Young

[Verse 1]

I'm here just like I said

Though its breaking every rule I've ever made

My racing heart is just the same

Why make it strong to break it once again?

And I'd love to say I do

Give everything to you

But I can never now be true

So I say...

[Chorus]I think I'd better leave right now

Before I fall any deeper

I think I'd better leave right now

Feeling weaker and weaker

Somebody better show me how

Before I fall any deeper

I think I'd better leave right now

[Verse 2]I'm here so please explain

Why you're opening up a healing wound again

I'm a little more careful

Perhaps it shows

But if I lose the highs, at least I'm spared the lows

Bridge

Now I tremble in your arms

What could be the harm

To feel my spirit calm

So I say..

[Repeat Chorus]

[Middle 8]I wouldn't know how to say

How good it feels seeing you today

I see you've got your smile back

Like you say your right on track

But you may never know why

Once bitten twice is shy

If I'm proud perhaps I should explain

I couldn't bear to lose you again

[Repeat Chorus]Yes I will...[Repeat Chorus]

有没有一首歌，你唱了会有想哭的感觉？

2010-11-02T04:18:00.000-07:00

我已不能回头，天，你要伤我多久？

我已不能回头，天，它可愿意帮我？

多么愚蠢是我

The Great Escape

2010-10-25T07:15:00.000-07:00

Had a great holiday with my fellow housemates and old friends who fly all the way to sabah. It was quite a holiday, with breath taking scenery, close contact with mother nature, intense exercise, excruciating muscle ache during and after conquering mount Kinabalu.....

The first day was spent in my favorite place-karaok box. Amazingly, all my housemates went for karaok session! Finally can hear everyone voices.

Following day, we drove our way up to Kundasang, check in to a fabulous resort, pine resort. What is so great about the resort? The scenery was just awesome, you can see mount kinabalu right infront of you from the room! We did steamboat inside the room, and eat 'bao bao'! And by the way, spending a night at kundasang is a MUST thing to do, because the weather is so chilling, so suitable for a good night sleepzzZZZ

The second MUST DO things in kundasang is to visit DESA farm. It is a cow farm and they produce local milk. The view from the farm will give you a feeling of as if you are in New Zealand! and the DESA milk is tasty as well, especially the chocolate flavored one.

The ultimate MUST DO things in kundasang is to conquer Mount Kinabalu!!!!

We were damn lucky, because the weather was soooo good. There wasn't even a drop of rain during our climb. (It usually rains at evening at kundasang) The scenery along the climb was just amazing. I was blown away by the beauty of mother nature! It was a great escape from the busy hectic working lifestyle!

With determination and ignoring the muscle cramps, we all reached the top of mount Kinabalu!It was so worth the pain and sweat, because the sunrise at the top of the mountain is just soooo breath taking!!!!!!

After coming back to Kota Kinabalu, I bring them to the town, Api-Api. We walk along the water front, from fish market to souvenir shops....

Surprisingly, this is the first time ever I walk through this city feeling like a tourist! I wasn't here for work, but just to rest n relax....

Despite the sunburn from climbing the mountain, we still choose to go island hopping. And the consequences, more severe sunburn!!!!! Island hopping was okay, because after Redang, these snorkeling was just okay...But, it was my first time lying on the beach and fall asleep. It was a nice experience, with the breeze, I had a good nap!

Holiday has come to an end, now starting work again. Aih, life is like this, work work work. It is these great escape from time to time that keeps us sane!

Can't wait for the next great escape to come, Taiwan (for the second time haha) and India, and Scuba diving (hope can get it done next year XD)

My nose...

2010-10-08T13:07:00.000-07:00

I have an allergic nose, or more specific, is allergic rhinitis. My body is allergic to many things, crabs, prawns, dust, mites...

This nose problem started way long ago, primary school actually.

I still remember one day when I was in tuition center, teacher look at my dark eye circle asking me: 'did u rub your eye with ink or something? why your dark circle so obvious?!' Being so young and innocent, I din't understand her concern. But think back, why would a primary school student has so obvious dark circle right? they can't be sleep deprived or something!

dark circle, and funny enough, i have 双眼皮 at my right eye, one eye only

After many years, only I found out, the dark circle is caused by my allergic rhinitis. Medically, is called allergic shiner. Basically it is caused by poor blood circulation due to nose congestion.

Why suddenlly wanna write about my nose? haha. Because, recently got 2 friends actually can't help to tell me that I snore while I sleep (because my snoring disturbed their sleep, and it was loud, kuang3).

Actually, many of those who don't know me, would think I actually snore. But in fact, my so-called snoring is caused by my blocked nose. When my nose is blocked, there will be noisy breathing sounds. Sometimes it sounds like wheeze, sometimes it sounds more like snore....I have a specialist asking me in the middle of a surgery: "Are you having asthma?" kuang kuang kuang

Having this problem for such long time, I actually do not think it is an issue, because I already adapted to it.

Many people around me have shown concern to my nose, and the complications which I might already have, like sinusitis or sleep apnea (because of my so abnormal sleeping pattern, sleep a lot but always sleepyzzZZ).

Finally, I went to see ENT and get myself some medications. Surprised with the efficacy of the nasal spray, one friend actually tell me I do NOT snore anymore when I sleep. I was soooooo happy to know that. Because I do not want to snore-er lor, hahahah.

It feels so good to breath through un-blocked nose, and hopefully my sleeping pattern will improve after fixing my nose also, hahaha

Facebook is very dangerous!

2010-09-22T13:16:00.000-07:00

You will never imagine how powerful the effect of FB.
I was shocked last time when I found out that my mother knew about my hideous hair cut, by checking on the photos i uploaded on my FB.
She is the typical chinese aunty, who dont even know how to use a computer. But she mange to check on my FB with my relative's help.
I go back and ask, found out that my relative will actually help her to get to my account and see my status and photos...kuang3
today, I was bored and looking through my 表姐FB, found out that my another aunty also has a FB account!!!!!!Shocked!!!not only that, all aunties are updated to what is happening in FB too....
I guess I should stop expressing myself too much in FB, and putting link for my blog to FB.
What if someday my mum starts calling me asking me things I wrote in my blog?! like that 1 i wrote I'm not okay?!
Anyway, all the things I wrote on my blog is only to release my stress, if I am still writing, means I am okay (in case my mother reads this also, wahahaha)
What would be your reaction if you know that your parents are actually following your blog or FB updates? I am curious to know....

Touched...

2010-09-21T04:11:00.000-07:00

Went for a medical camp last week. erm, medical camp is an activity where we go to interior part to see and treat patient, that kind of thing.

It was not as I would imagine, because it was kinda too comfortable for us. We went water cruise, see orang utan, proboscis monkey, king fisher....

But, we do see patient as well, even though I see very limited...

There is 1 patient, who is only 16 years old, but has quite bad psoriasis. His skin, from the hands, scalp, trunks to the leg, all are covered with these psoriatic plaque. He loss his hair due to the skin condition.During the consultation, he kept asking what is the cause of his skin condition. He thought that it was his hygiene level, or his blood is just too toxic things like that.

His father was even more worried, thinking that his son is having some infectious skin disease, I can feel that they are kinda embarrassed by the skin condition. I kept stressing to them that this is not something they should feel embarrassed about, because they cause is just auto immune and it is not infectious.

After all the explanations, I wrote him a referral letter to dermatologist, telling him that this is a skin condition which can be controlled by medication.

When i handed him his prescription and referral letter, he pushed aside the prescription, I noticed that, inside me was thinking: why don't want the prescription la?

Then the very next second, I saw him reach out for the referral letter first, folded it nicely to fit into his wallet, he kept it well inside the wallet, then only he took back the prescription. I notice the way he handle the letter, with such care that I've never seen before from any patient! My heart was so warm at that time. It felt so nice that when you do something that patient actually appreciate.

I had a skin condition which I felt embarrassed during my secondary school time as well. At that time, people always tell that the cause of it is me taking too much coffee, making my body too 'hot' that worsens the condition. And, I believed what they thought as well, blaming myself for addicting to coffee and staying up late so often. The thing never got better because nobody actually came and tell me that it was acne vulgarise and it is curable by just simple oral antibiotic in early phase! I grew up with acne and acne scars, and thinking my acne is my fault! Up til university time, when I have access to medical knowledge, then I realise that it is just bacteria infection of the blocked pores.

I just hope that I did something good to this young poor boy, even though I dint really cure his psoriasis, at least he now knows that he shouldn't blame himself for that. It is just psoriasis, and unfortunately that happens to him.

A little bit update for my acne, haha. Now I am taking oral retinoid acid, and I am very happy with the effect. Now is 6th month of treatment already, please pray for me that my acne will continue to be controlled, and no side effect for me please.............but my fasting lipid profile starts to show abnormalities already.....kuang3 爱美不要命，this sentence is so true!!!

There is another dermato condition I have... never share with anyone, see la next time only write...

发牢骚

2010-09-17T12:26:00.000-07:00

不喜欢日夜颠倒
睡眠问题又开始了
太闲空，但生活没目标，只是多了闷
以前忙得没时间，所以不觉得怎样
要给自己一些目标，
看看身边的人，大家似乎都知道以后要做些什么
我却在蹉跎光阴
睡了醒，醒了睡，
你要睡到什么时候？
还记得有个朋友说过：

你现在睡那么多干吗？
你怕你长眠后没得睡吗？

应该把握时间，做有用的事。
有没有什么东西，可以让我填满我的生活？
好害怕空荡荡的那种感觉。
康熙，星光，填不满那空洞。
可笑的是，越看让我越觉得空洞。
新的laptop,也满足不了
那种无底洞的空荡荡，
在夜深时，
寂寞的回音，更清晰

好想唱k，让我抒发抒发

你怕黑夜吗？

2010-09-14T14:36:00.000-07:00

夜阑人静，你怕吗？
是人老了？还是什么，
黑夜，让我惶恐。尤其是失眠夜

咖啡麻醉不了孤单，只会让夜更长。。。

Hebe 田馥甄-寂寞寂寞就好MV 全球首播

2010-08-27T22:39:00.000-07:00

SHE 里的 Hebe 的新歌。在SHE里，本来就只有他会唱。哈哈

最喜欢的歌词：‘死不了，就还好’

歌词是不是有点变态？用到‘死’这字。

生活中，偶尔，你会觉得，受不了，快疯掉

只要死不了，也还好，因为，

what doesn't kill you will make you stronger

Sleeping Disorder

2010-08-11T13:16:00.000-07:00

I enjoy this current posting, but the only part I dislike is it is making my sleeping disorder a recurrence!
Working shift is nice but it is messing with my circadian rhythm and causing my sleeping disorder to come back. I hate this feeling.
Now, I am awake in the middle of the night, writing blogs, on line, doing non sense, not studying.
yesterday I slept for 12 hours til 6pm evening. now I cant sleep at night!
And I have double shift tomorrow, starting from eight am, and also night shift. Argh!!!!!
Poh kim yan, can't you be more self disciplined?!
When will I be able to get rid of this problem?
Argh!!!!!!

About Jogging

2010-07-31T10:08:00.000-07:00

This is the famous UM lake, where ppl come to jog everyday!

After a very long time, I put my sport shoes back on and go for a jog. It has been a while I jog like this, 30 minutes non stop. Thinking back, during secondary school time, was my climax time. I can jog 10-20 laps on the field.
After learning to swim, I rarely jog.
Jogging is different from swimming. What I love about jogging is the feeling of the sweat after jogging. （汗流浃背的感觉）.
Recently, I have been putting on weight. People have been reminding me over the fact that I am fatter than before.(esp at the face?!DAMN!!!)
Maybe is because of the stress, eating out, no exercise, hypothyroid (seriously wanna get a T4/TSH done!)? or the retinoid? I think the eating and sedentary lifestyle are the 2 most important contributing factors!
It is about time to re-start my old hobby-jogging.
Lose weight! I can't accept that ppl keep telling me I am fatter! come on, FAT is the last word I wanna hear to describe ME! I have been thin since I have memory okay?!I will not let this go on!Got to stop it!

some funny picture we took jogging at UM, haha

他听到我的祷告

2010-07-12T07:27:00.000-07:00

“应当一无挂虑，只要凡事藉著祷告、祈求，和感谢，将你们所要的告诉神。神所赐、出人意外的平安必在基督耶稣里保守你们的心怀意念。” 腓 4：6-7

这图是在几年前画的。是我最满意的作品之一。

把祷告，祈求，装在信封里。邮差把它寄给上帝。

多久没祷告了？我忘了。

好怀念画这个图的时候。做我喜欢做的东西。

还画得出酱的东西吗？

多久没画了？我忘了。

神所赐、出人意外的平安必在基督耶稣里保守你们的心怀意念

现在，最想做的事。

2010-06-28T08:32:00.000-07:00

我不是一定要你回来，只是当又把回忆翻开

想做乐观的人，每种雨声，听了都不冷

想要飞，却怎么样也飞不高

在我心上用力的开一枪，让这一切归零在这声巨响

要怎么负荷？舍不得，又无可奈何

别人说的话，随便听一听

容忍的人其实并不笨，只是宁可对自己残忍

想问天问大地，或者是迷信，问问宿命

这样并不算太坏，。。。说来无奈

我们都没错，只是不适合，我要的，我现在才懂得

陪我唱歌，清唱一首。。

哈哈。看得懂吗？

I m not ok

2010-06-23T08:58:00.000-07:00

For those who has asked: R u ok?

Well indeed I am not. How is it possible to be ok with this?

I know I will be ok, because it will always get better in time, just that I don't know how long it wil take.

Trying not to be negative yet I can't help it

Thanks for asking, even though most of the time I don't know how to answer you.

Thanks for not asking, because I can't tell you that I am not.

"I don't wanna run away but I can't take it I don't understand"

How disappointing can it be?

2010-05-19T04:02:00.000-07:00

What is more frustrating than letting yourself down?

Will you ever change? What does it take for you to make the change?

Have you tried? Have you tried hard enough?

It pains me just thinking of it...

母亲节快乐

2010-05-08T22:37:00.000-07:00

电台不断播着母亲节的歌：听妈妈的话，世上只有妈妈好，鲁滨花。。。

那个只有几gram 的手机，好像有千斤重，怎么拿起来打回去？打了要说些什么？

很多事情，说得容易，做得难。

祝你母亲节快乐。

有些话，我说不出来。。。

祝我生日快乐

2010-04-28T07:17:00.000-07:00

是不是生日一定要唱这首歌？但是这个生日，没得唱。 (Internet 太慢了，没法上载mtv)

若我说不失望，是骗人的。

如你know me well enough, 我没什么非做不可的事情，这个是其中一个。

well,开始工作与学生时代，是不能相提并论的。

谁得空，爽不爽就去唱k?

谢谢你们的陪伴。虽然不是唱 k, 但是 I still appreciate it.

疯狂的shopping, 买了又一双的hush puppies (一年内，我买了四双rm300++/pairs 的鞋)。还有，买了我很久就想买的padini 的 necktie.

生日愿望，没什么特别。长越大，发现，许给自己的愿望越来越少。
身边的人，希望他们一切安好。短短一年，一些事情，一些人。。。我希望你们好好照顾自己。

Random...

2010-04-11T01:51:00.000-07:00

Having stayed in keningau for 2 weeks, it feels so long already.

Keningau is a nice place, slower pace, more peaceful...But after staying here long enough, I feel it is kinda a boring town. Maybe it is just me haven had the time and chance to explore it. (sure there is something nice to do and see in keningau)

Many things has happened in just 2 weeks time.

Some of them I just have to write about them in blog.

1. Doing my 1st Cesarean section with my HOD. It was otherwise uneventful except the part I cant get the head out and needed my HOD's help. And I did it too slow that the spinal anaesthesia is running out of its effect...kuang3. Lucky to have HOD to be there, cos she was really patient and letting me do most of the things. Grateful!

2. Completed 3 ERPOC in just 2 weeks time. What a blessing to be sent to keningau. People in Likas would die for just 1 ERPOC. Every single ERPOC has to be fought with other people. I hate fighting with others for procedures, that why I feel so lucky to be able to complete my 3 without making enemy with others!(not exaggerating, people do fight so bad just to get 1 procedure!!!!)

3. My subcutticular suturing skill is improving...kekeke, the first one, got bleeding, the 2nd and 3rd, nice......so as the ultrasound skills, but this one still needs more practise, still not quite good at it yet. But lucky here we can practise more compared to in Likas.

4. I just can't live without internet!!!Not being able to online when I am off from work is just killing me!!!!Miss watching American Idol. I need those thing so bad after working. Tat is my way of relaxation. It is killing me coming back room everything, and find there is nothing to watch, and do in this cold empty room...

5. People say keningau is like a honeymoon posting but I dont totally agree. I have post call day but going back at 830pm (if were in likas, post call can go back 5pm). And post call weekend work til 2pm...But having said that, I still will not trade this keningau posting with anything la, kekekeke

I miss KK, cant wait to go back next next week!!!!!!It will be a great weekend, hahaha

每次都这样。。。

2010-04-07T06:35:00.000-07:00

每次都这样，还没开部落格时，脑子里，有一大堆的东西写。
但是，开了网页，却可以对着它，愣愣的，不知从何写起。

最近，很多新的事，物，人，环境，心情。。。
每一天，都有想说的东西，找不到人说，想到的就是我的部落格。
有些东西，可以写在facebook.有些东西，只能留在部落格。

我到底在写些什么？我自己都乱了。好像很没有内容酱咯，对不对？

到现在，我忘了我开始想写些什么了。

是不是很废？

每次都这样。。。

伤心的歌

2010-03-30T07:52:00.000-07:00

喜欢听芭辣的伤心的歌，但是，可能是最近听了太多，心情好像被影响了。
陷入一种忧郁的氛围，像漩涡一样，将我淹没。

换了新的环境，没有收音机，没有得上网听电台，
只有，在我laptop的那些歌。

当我听一首歌，我会不断从复，你相信吗？驾车来这个新地方，两个小时，我都差不多在重复同一首歌。A little bit too much?

是歌词太过动人？旋律过于动容?
还是听歌的人。。。

你喜欢这些‘芭辣’的歌吗？

伴-黄小琥
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TuYrCqhL4nY

沒那麼簡單-黃小琥
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5d2DqY6DezA

黃小琥-殼
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DL4z8A30mJ4

我要快樂 - 張惠妹
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CM43Cii2eD0

张惠妹如果你也听说
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V8Hkm7kd4Gg

张惠妹 - 人质
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_o5QZ4HKgq0

我要快乐

2010-03-24T06:47:00.000-07:00

每当夜深人静，无法入眠，就会不断重复这首歌
它道出了，都市人的心情

快乐，
睡得安稳，
乐观，

这些，看似简单，有时，却难如登天。

我要快乐，我要能睡得安稳。

明天去唱 k, 一定要唱的歌。
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CM43Cii2eD0&feature=related

还有，忘了说，这个部落格的上的素描，要说的就是，
好想可以睡得象小孩一样，安稳无忧。

但是，有人说，画里的小孩，看起来很伤心的样子。。。

嗯，你说呢？
睡得安稳？还是心事重重？

screw it!!!!!

2010-03-17T07:17:00.000-07:00

This afternoon, when I was about to start my pm round in my ward, got a phone from the counter. I went to answer, is a MO calling me: hey, poh. Are u free now? can come down to clinic now? After answering yes, then I went down to clinic.

In this current posting, when a MO looks for you, you can expect something is not right. Because they only will look for you when you screw up something/ ur job is not properly done.

with that in mind, I kinda prepare myself for it. Went into the clinic room, I saw a patient that I discharged last week. I knew it he must be wanting to point out my mistakes. (But I am pretty sure that I did everything well before discharging the patient!)

He started talking: you discharge the patient? where is the referral letter?
(FYI, this patient was admitted to o&g ward, but has psychosis symptoms, need to get appt in psychiatric and neurology clinic after discharge)

OMG, I did do both referral letters!!!!He was accusing me for simply discharging patient without referral letter!!!

I dont like the way he talks, really!

I m 100% sure I wrote the letters (I spent so much time calling psy and neuro MO for appt, arranging EEG appt, explaining to patient's daughter about every single appt!!!!)

Flipping to the back of the case note, he found the carbon copy of my referral letters!!!

Nah, I told you I wrote them!!!!

Seeing the carbon copy, he dint show any feeling sorry/ apologize for accusing me for the wrong thing!!!

What piss me off more is when I RE-write again the referral letter, and put the case note on his table, he scolded me again: cant you see I'm talking to patient now?!

WTF???I did my job liao, why cant you be nice to me? somemore, at the very beginning, I did nothing wrong!!!!! (How the hell I know how patient lose her referral letter?!)

by the way, need to mention it, patient is a UR, she is pyschotic from time to time, her family members never take her to see doctor to find out the cause (why i need to care more for the patient, when the family members and patient herself are like not really care about that?!).

I spent so much time in arranging appts, EEG, CT scan....turn out nobody really appreciates any of my effort, not only that, getting screwed.....

Really hate it when ppl accusing me for something that is not my fault! What the hell, being a HO is like this, anything goes wrong, is our fault, patient lose referral letter, is my fault, CT film not taken by ppk is my fault, everything is my fault.

I hope I can look at it positivelly, but, I really dont know how...
aih......screw it!

Insomnia...

2010-03-07T08:54:00.001-08:00

tired, exhausted, yet I cant fall asleep
maybe is the cup of coffee I drank, maybe is because I am too tired?!
Maybe is that it is too hot to sleep, sweating in my room!!!!
Argh!!!!
I hate it when I cannot fall asleep. tat sucks, tomorrow need to go to work, and it is monday, hell busy day! tagging somemore!!!!
How I wish I have an Aircon in my room, how nice would it be?!
I can only dream about tat.
Pls let me sleep!!!!!!!!!!!

不想睡。。。

2010-03-04T08:48:00.000-08:00

凌晨一点钟，冰冻的咖啡，电台播着好听的歌。
我不想睡。
虽然明天一样工作

怀念以前熬夜的生活。

没那么简单。。。

2010-03-02T07:07:00.000-08:00

不断重复听着这首歌。

最近，好多不容易的事情。

1。开始新的posting, O&G, 被公认最惨的一个posting. 我也觉得如此。一开始，就要tag 比其它 posting 久。两个礼拜。还有，要在这十四天里，接生 10个，C section assit 3 个。现在酱多houseman，抢到爆！跟自己人抢，跟人家抢，跟student nurse 抢，how pathetic?!
总算枪完我该做的了，一点都不容易！！！过了一个礼拜，还有另一个礼拜。过后，还有四个月。。。

2。好不容易，去看了um 的 dermatologist, 拿到了我要的 retinoid acid. 谁知，queen 的 dermatologist 不要给我开始这个药。他说得好像，是我在滥用药物这样。但是，我还是insist 我要继续。他要我签consent, 说不是他的recommendation! Acne o acne, to get rid of you 真的没那么简单。

3。长大，也并非容易事一桩。好多好多东西，现在都要靠我自己，还有其他人，期待有我可以靠。。。

“什麼都不懂的年纪曾经最掏心所以最开心曾经。。。”

可以不可以回到什么都不懂的时候？！

Shit, Damn, Fu*k, screw u SAA 9787 Y!!!!

2010-02-05T01:29:00.000-08:00

It all happended like this. This morning, I EL because not feeling well, URTI ;(

woke up at 8am, shit, so late already, then I called my MO and Specialist to inform I need a EL today (and I am on call tomorrow, seriouslly need so rest)

Then waking up, shower, thinking of getting a MC from emergency department. Hence, I drive my car to SMC, who knows, in less than 2 minutes from I depart form my house,

Bang!!!

I look back, shit, got a 4 wheels drive bang at my boot. Fu*k!!!

Furious, I press my horn very hard and give hand sign to ask him to stop by the road side.

I was already in very bad mood because of not feeling well and pre call syndrome, this event aggravated everything and I had a full blown anger!

The best thing is, he bang my boot and he still wanna accuse tat is my fault! come on, I was all the while on the right lane, and he came out of a junction, bang at me, saying tat is my fault? Go to hell la u uncle!!!!!

Never been so furious and agitated!!!He doesn't seem to want to admit his fault and some more say is my fault, wow, okay, then he wants to go to police office.

Well, lets go la, I snap his plate number using my hp, because he refuses to give me his number and IC, fine!

Following him to police station, waited so long just to get things settled.

Funny thing is, when the sarjan ask us about the details, he actually asked about our occupation. (Well, I am already prepared for tat)

without a doubt, I take out my name tag tat i purposely bring down. Nah, I am a DOCTOR!!!

I think the doctor card does scare them a bit. Sarjan seems to listen to my explanation more carefully.

After hearing both sides' explanations, I can feel tat sarjan already is on my side (come on, even the blind also know the dumb ass is the wrong side!!!)

But, stupid old uncle just wont admit his fault, then we were brought to the crime scene in police car.

the affected site normal site

Again, prove me right! MEMANG is his fault.

and tat dumb stubborn uncle still wanna argue, blaming me not wearing proper shoes when driving (hello, which law says tat cannot wear sandal to drive? Wat the fu*k is this?!)

Basically, stupid uncle is just making a fool of him at the crime scene, talking about 1 Malaysia la, Government should improve the traffic rules and regulation la, bla bla bla.

I noticed sarjan also malas mau peduli dia, seriously, I really feel very amusing listening to his last speech to protect himself.

As I wish, at the end, sarjan announced that is stupid uncle's fault!!!yeah yeah!!!!

and he need to pay for all the money tat is needed to repair my car.

Finally, he is proven to be 'guilty'

Even though he has already settled the car repair thing for me, I still feel not satisfied with this stupid uncle. Come on, when u did something wrong, just admit it la, and should offer to pay for the repair, not blaming me (whose is so innocent!!!!)

For that, I wanna wish him to have uncontrolled Hypertension, and u know wat is the complications of HPT- hemorrhagic stroke/triple vessels heart disease/......

(Forgive me, I just really need to express my felling, not really want to curse him)

p;s, stupid uncle come to KK luyang to follow up for his HPT, better dont let me see him in hospital, I might give a bolus of KCL into his vein...evil me

Find that I m more Garang after working, cos, in this world, being nice will be bullied, and I think I have learnt tat. and again, prove tat u cant be nice to everyone, especially to these kind of ppl. U wanna fight with me, come la, I will make sure u pay for wat u did to my car and for screwing up my day!!!!!

And the most important thing is to make him admit that is his fault!!!!!I wont sit down be quiet when u blame me for something I dint do!!!

OMG, this is a very long blog, but really pissed la!!!!!!

同样的阴天，咖啡；不一样的心情

2010-01-17T05:51:00.000-08:00

喜欢阴天，更爱咖啡
从中学开始，就喜欢这样。
加上熬夜，夜深人静。

最近都是阴天，加上HOD恩赐的weekend off, 难得可以呆在家里享受。
同样的阴天，咖啡。
但是，感觉却不同了。

以前，是少年不是愁滋味。
现在，是什么呢?说不上来。

习惯了忙碌，突然的休息，却觉得空虚。
盲目的上网，下载。。。

好像缺了什么似的。填不满，补不密。

transient low mood....

2010-01-11T06:13:00.000-08:00

Always have this transient periodic low mood episode.

Usually it happens after 2 months of each new posting.

I am kinda depressed over of few things now
1. 2009 on call claims havent settled
2. the Hush Puppy I bought is too big for my foot now, argh!!!!!!!!
3. Not enough money to spend for CNY
4. Have not confirmed ticket to go back kl on CNY yet

Many things to settle, yet I am too low mood to go and figure things out
everyday, like a robot, wake up, work, make sure orders are executed, then punch out, find fren makan, chit chat, bat gua, laugh then go back online and then sleep

I enjoy my life but sometime I just forgot about taking care of 'myself'.
doing laundry only once a week, leave my clothes unfolded everywhere in my room, dint claim my on calls, dint plan about my flight ticket.........I should hav more time for 'myself'

Need some energy to get things done , but always feel lazy when come back home. all i want to do is just to pamper myself after long working hours...facebooking, watching shows....doing nothing....................

Wake up wake up, need a booster of serotonin : ) haha

2010

2010-01-06T05:20:00.000-08:00

Finally, the line is stable and I have the mood and time to blog.
It is new year, 2010.
Reflecting back 2009, many things happened. Good and Bad.
It has been quite a year, seriouslly.
From passing final MBBS exam, to starting to work and finally adapating to the working environment now...looking back, I really am amazed how fast time flies
Besides work, many things happened on the people surrounding me. Some really shocked me and I was really bothered. I think adulthood is just not easy, and reality is cruel and humans are weak.
Why sound so sad, actually, I think I did enjoy year 2009, especially the end part.
Coming to sabah wasn't a bad choice afterall. Meeting a lot of great people here and working here is actually kinda fun. Enjoy the laughter and the makan and the sing k (even though very few sing k sessions)
Unbelievably, I have worked for half a year. I really amazed myself. Initially thought I couldn't make it through. But now I kinda enjoy it.
Life is getting better actually, I hope year 2010 will be even greater than year 2009 : )

思乡

2009-12-12T06:42:00.000-08:00

突如其来的思乡感，怀念在半岛的时光。
我的唱k kaki, 麻将 kaki, 喝茶 kaki....
来了这里，好多东西无法参与

老师的婚礼，我在医院值夜班，

最近一次打电话回家，太久了，我也忘了几久。

怀念在半岛的时光。要回家，搭个巴士就到了。

要唱k, 很容易就可以找到kaki

要打麻将，回直凉就好了。

好像遗失了很多，才六个月。。。

两年后，还剩下什么？

突然好想回去，给我一双翅膀，一天也够了。

最近好懒散，做工没精打采，但忙起来时，又忙得透不过气。
好想假期快点来，但是，两天的圣诞假，也不能回家嘛！

如果我有一双翅膀。。。

2009-12-12T03:43:00.000-08:00

如果我有一双翅膀，我现在最想做的事，就是飞回kl, 跟我的猪朋狗友们，唱k!
如果可以的话，唱通宵。然后，在凌晨时，还有时间飞回来上班。

如果你有一双翅膀，你现在最想做的事，会是什么？

你说，我是不是想唱k想到疯了？！

too low mood to wirte anything....

2009-11-10T05:10:00.000-08:00

anhedonia already, dont even have the urge to update my blog
this week is different, meeting with HOD in peadiatric is just stressful
having palpitation everyday when it comes to presenting case to HOD, stumble so many times....
aaaaaaaaaaaa, stressed!!!!

出乎意料

2009-11-02T09:05:00.000-08:00

出乎意料，喜欢pediatric
出乎意料，tagging 也可以很开心
出乎意料，新环境交了新朋友
出乎意料，很累但却充实
出乎意料，日子充满开怀大笑

很多时候，可能上帝早有安排。

说过，后悔来这。现在回头看看，还不赖。

tagging 时，每天驾车去上班，都听着kris allen 的 no boundries
"every step we climb every mountain, every breath is harder to believe'
很多时候，我也不敢相信，我怎么度过tagging 的每一天。

但是，很多时候，出乎意料。

写给自己看的blog

2009-10-23T08:03:00.000-07:00

要去peadiatric posting 了。心中难免忐忑，我的朋友们，他们在那里，表现得那么好。害怕我去会下衰他们，不只是我的面子，还背负了 um 的名。
要努力点，勤劳点，睡少点，读多点，少blur点，proactive 点。
我可以的。加油！

Life.Work.

2009-10-22T07:54:00.000-07:00

Since startd working, I find that no time to blog. erm, sometimes is too many things happen and not knowing what to write (because there were so many things to write about). For example, from the day I reach sabah, started tagging, bought a car here, scratch my brand new car 2 times......
Another great example is how I leave surgery posting. Was going smooth until the very last 2 weeks, kena marked by a MO because of some silly thing that I did/ din't do, having to present on my last day of work (stressful you know, kena shot kao kao in front), then was found out for not checking emergency trolley (which is a straight extension in surgery posting!!!), called specialist for mercy, my other fren actually cried when she knows both of us might be in danger of extension. Luckily, manage to be released from surgery (just need to pay fine). Then go out celebrate with my lovely colleagues the very same night, kinda mixed feeling (was so sad when knowing that I might be extended), then celebrate for passing the posting, then flying back kl the following day....see, so many things happen in just 1 day. How to write?!
Went back for 5 days, 2 days at home. The rest of the time, mostly spent on buses, air planes, taxi, waiting for bus......
Tired from all the travelling, from 1 station to next station, and catching flight is just time consuming!!!!!
Actually should have stayed instead of going back. I din't really rest well from this holiday. (my plan to sleep until afternoon, failed!!!how pathetic?!)If you know me well enough, you will know how important is sleeping for me
Going to start peadiatric tagging, how la? I hope I can survive it without making any mess up that would cause me to be extended! seriouslly, my aim for this 2 year housemanship is to get through sound and safe, with no extention at all!!!!
Looking back, I really have no idea how I manage to survive last 4 months. But I am happy that I made it through, and have made some new good friends (without them, my life in surgery would be miserable still). Hoping to meet some new friends in pead posting as well, though I think I might be too tired and busy to think about that.
I will try my best in pead, is a serious posting, with high expectation (unlike surgery). Knowing it is going to be tough, sleep deprived, but I will make it through!!!!All these are going to make me a better doctor and a better person!!!!
Gamateh, for all of us who are going to start the next posting!

身心疲惫

2009-09-28T06:46:00.000-07:00

还剩下不到四个星期就结束surgery posting
到这个时候，只有一个字-累

开始
第一个月：blur, intimidated, stupid
第二个月：开心，交了几个新的好朋友，工作慢慢适应了，唱k, 吃饭，八卦！哈哈
第三个月：工作上了轨道，享受工作后，一起吃饭，聊天的猪朋狗友。
第四个月：现在，累，就是累！可能是要去pead 了，怕怕。而且，不会见到在surgery 的猪朋狗友，又是从头开始。又要从blur, intimidated stupid phase 开始。

在surgery 的猪朋狗友，i will miss u guys. 不过一半会迟一个月过来，还好。
还好有你们陪我唱 k, 吃饭。让我开始享受工作后的生活。

要开始申请假期，有至少6天。我要回家，还是去旅行？可是又没有人陪去旅行。
还是回家吧，家里有好多东西要settle.
是时候回馈家里了。。。

倦了，我要休息。还有多三个礼拜罢了，我就可以睡个够够了，不用每天天未亮就醒来。

幸福，是可以睡到自然醒。
幸福，是可以不顾一切的放声大唱。
幸福，是有能力拿钱回家。
幸福，是有人陪我唱k
幸福，是有人一起吃饭。

所以，我是幸福，快乐的。虽然我很累。

你的幸福是什么？你快乐吗？
希望你们都是幸福的，虽然工作和生活，难免让我们喘不过气。

随写

2009-09-21T23:48:00.000-07:00

随便写写，最近也没东西写。

工作，睡觉，吃饭，起床。。。日复一日，重复着。
累，睡了还累。

心里很empty, 唱K 填不了的空洞
唱了至少可以添一点点吧）
我的快乐，来自唱歌。

不懂要写什么了，其实应该做power point presentation 的。
让我一边听歌，一边做power point 吧。

别再浪费时间，在facebook, 看星光，康熙了啦。

在工作上，觉得自己很笨，又不要读书，以前学的，统统忘光光。
我要努力点。

加油！！！

feeling weary....

2009-09-13T06:00:00.000-07:00

These 2 weeks is going to be busy, new neuro ward is so much busier than general ward.
I miss those lepak days, and going back home at 5+pm
today is sunday yet I leave Hospital at 230pm. (actually only need to work til 11am for weekend)
Tomorrow I have to reach ward by 6am, to cover all patients.
Will I be able to wake up so early?
Today was supposed to go as early as 6am also, but reach hospital already 640am
aih......
i sleep a lot yet I feel tired.
No mood to study, no mood to go to work, aih.....

I love sing K

2009-09-05T21:23:00.000-07:00

Singing is my first hobby, since the day I have memory.

Stil remember the scene when I was small, and my aunty teaching me to sing Hokkien songs, so that they can push me to go up stage sing when there is wedding (you know, traditional wedding ceremony sure got karaok mah)

having been to kk sabah for more than 2 months, finally I have a chance to sing gao gao yesterday.

It was so much fun (apart from satisfying my desire to sing), is to spend time with all those new frens in surgery posting

Settling down with new life, new working environment, new ppl, new challanges

Hope can have more quality time like this in future.

Hope that life will keep on getting better

Growing pain

2009-09-04T07:49:00.000-07:00

人越来越大，就越多烦恼。
有些人越长越大，越不会想，让身边的人，更多麻烦。
长越大，越多责任，对家人，对自己，对社会。。。（我没那么伟大为社会啦，哈哈）
当我小的时候，希望快快长大，自己赚钱，不用受人管制，为所欲为。
当我长大后，才发现，长大了后，更不能为所欲为。
随之而来的，是更多的责任，烦恼。
但是，这就是成长过程。
所谓的，growing pain

希望经过这些以后，I will be a better person

I love weekend

2009-08-29T00:29:00.000-07:00

weekend is very precious
weekend is the only time to do things slowly,
sleep, eat,
clean up my messy room, my messy car, and also the messy dirty house which I live in
Have a pause and just chill out
watching new season of Project Runway
downloading shows to store for next few days
blogging, haha

I love weekend : )

我病了。。。

2009-08-24T06:26:00.000-07:00

来了沙巴两个月，第二次生病。
第一次，才下飞机，就病了。
第二次，跟第一次一样，urti, with No fever, weird....

两个月了，我已经作HO做了两个月。
回想起开始，真的觉得撑不过。
回头看，surgery 已经过了一半。（可是，logbook还空得很呢）
我不喜欢当医生，但是，这世上，有多少人是在享受自己的工作的呢？
梦想与现实，是差很远的。单纯的人，是要出了社会才会知道，现实是残忍的。
我想，就算过了两年HO, 我也不会呆在clinical.

还有4天，要考试。现在才甘愿拿起书来读。
我还是一样懒惰。
改变了的只是，早睡，早起。
其实，我也amazed by myself。连拜六，礼拜，我都起来去上班。没有一天例外。

工作，只是人们为了赚钱，而作的义务。
因为，没工作，等于，没钱，等于，没饭吃！

我病了，不能像以前一样，借故不去上课。
我病了，但是我还要去上班。好sad.

Home Sweet Home

2009-08-13T06:39:00.000-07:00

It feels so good to be home again. Even though I have been away from home just 1 month plus, it feels like years!!!Really.
Working life sucks and now I realise it is not easy to be an adult , earning money, paying rents, paying bills....
To earn money for living, you must work for it. Working is not easy at all, with it comes responsibilities.....what all of us don't like
coming back home this time is really crucial for me.
I need the time to rest, and to get away from work, and all the other things...
I can sleep as long as I want to, need not to bother about the phone ringing in the middle of the night (finally can turn off phone to sleep, believe it or not, as a dr, they expect you to on ur phone 24/7)
Manage to sleep more than 15 hours last night (believe me, that 15 hours is still not enough to compensate my sleep deprivation for the past 1 and half month), I feel so so so happy to do so!!!!!!No need to force myself to sleep early at night and no need to wake up 530 in the morning.
Watching tv all the time, lying on bed, reading newspaper or just doing nothing but lying on the sofa......i enjoy all these....
LIfe is good when I am at home...

What is the thing you wanna achieve in life?

2009-08-05T05:59:00.000-07:00

I start thinking of this question since starting work. Working as a doctor seems nice, making good money and respected by the society.
Personally, I don't enjoy being called a doctor. I really dont care about the Dr in front of my name. Feeling weird walking in the hospital hallway, and strangers greeting me: good morning doctor! maybe I still feel not qualified as a doctor,or I never thought of myself as a doctor?!
When I was a student, Just going with the flow, no need to think what you wanna do. (Thought of studying design/art, but no money)
What I wanna achieve in my life, is not people looking at me and think I am succesful because I am a doctor, or being able to save patient's life, curing one's sickness.....
Thinking back, what makes me happy in life is actually creating beautiful things. I love the time spent on my own, doing things on my own pace, and finally coming out with something which is nice, it can be a card, a drawing....
I miss those days in school time, staying up whole night to make posters, that makes me happy even though I have no sleep. Compared to now, on call is torturing, and I just wanna do my job without any mess up. Every second I have to make sure I have done what I am supposed to do and make sure all is done correctly. I hate that feeling.
What do you get when you did all the blood taking, clerking and finally patient recover? I feel nothing......really, nothing.
I was too ambitious, thinking of learning more and to equip myself during housemaship. Now only I realise I dont leven ike practicing medicine.
Doctor is more than just a title, behind that it carries so much of responsibility, expectations and patient's hope....
our salary is good enough for living, but I dont dream to be rich also. As long as I am happy with my life and no worry for food and living....
many people asked me: felt regret to come to sabah?!
the answer is YES! I was too ambitious, but, i think, should i have stayed at kl or temerloh, thing wont be much different, because i dont like my job not because of the workload or anything, is just that i dont like practicing medicine. I might like studying medicine, but practicing it is so much different!!!!!!!!!!!!
Many of my coursemates had quitted/ is thinking of quitting...I really envy them for their courage, i feel like quitting many times.....i think i will have MDD living like this for 2 years?!or will I adapt like everyone else has?
every job sucks, how do I make sure that I will enjoy the next job after I quit this one?
Reality is cruel, sometimes we still need to be realistic.
I dont know........
tomorrow on call, praying for no admission and a cold call, see, i m not tat eager to learn.....

Depression...

2009-07-29T04:17:00.000-07:00

I think I have the houseman-related-depression.
Housemanship is just something that is not meant for a normal human being. Even though people keep telling me I should be grateful to start with surgery, but I already feel like crap now. Doing round in the morning, I am afraid to say something stupid or not accurate that is going to irritate the specialists and MOs, checking everything is done for at least 2 times, yet still will miss out something. Reading Ultrasound findings and memorizing every important points, because if I dont, people thinks that I am not doing my job. People expect me to be the last to go back home, waiting for on call people to come. kena scolded becasue I went back without waiting for the on call people...wrote the drug's dose wrongly and kena marked, wrote something stupid in case note and I am famous because of that-the houseman who does all tumor marker for patient with colo rectal ca, and is there something called ca 153(I was thinking of ca 135)? (I thought the MO said she wants all tumor markers, but in the end she says-did I ask for ALL tumor markers?Din't I just ask for CEA?!)I rarely think when clercking patients and reviewing them, cos if i think, i will not have the enough time to finish all the job.
but, the lesson i have learnt is to think on your own feet, even though people might tell u what to do, u stil have to think for your own. because my name is on the case note!
all these small thing is irritating, but is all these details that matter in medicine!!!!
I feel so not capable of this job, Kena scolded calling cardio MO to refer a case, kena question when go to approach radiologist for U/S or CT scan.....
even though I try to read the case note carefully, I still cant seem to memorise their problems and the important things, current plans....when asked, MO and S think that I dont know my patients.....
Is it possible to quit?! Am I strong enough to make it through? I have this crazy thought of quitting, seeing ppls quitting makes me feel more like quitting....but, I really need the money, is there a job there with similar pay but doesnt involved all the above's situation? I realize that I dont like handling life, cos ppl might die in front of us, collapse in front of me and I am responsible for their life.
Having work for 1 month, I still dont feel like blending in with other colleagues, only few of us (donna and me only are 1st poster), it is kinda hard to break the circle, but, I am frustrated with myself most of the time, because I need to be more socialble and talkative......but this is so so hard to me!!!!!!!!!
can i quit? will I allow myself to quit? but, how is life after quitting medicine? car payment/month is rm 715, how to cover that?
I dont know......how much longer can i hang on? surgery is like heaven to most HO who has went thru O n G, peads, and medicine. I m struggling in surgery, will i be able to survive peads, o n g and medicine in the future?

I hate my job

2009-07-25T05:39:00.000-07:00

I hate my job, even though my suergey posting is actually very free, i still hate what i do, how?
I wish I can turn back time and put pharmacy as my first choice....
what to do?
what I wanna do?
I dont know.....
can anyone tell me?

Day 2 in Sabah

2009-06-24T07:26:00.000-07:00

we woke up early morning to go Jabatan Negeri Sabah to lapor diri. It was a busy day, running here and there, filling up forms, and more forms....
after that, we went looking for houses for rent. then, went back to hospital to have briefing to claim money, (really need money!!!I am so poor now)
At night, we went to a friend' aunty's house for dinner, so nice to have a good meal, delicious. Right after dinner, we went to inspect for the 2nd house, Love the 2nd house so much, because it is a huge house, with plenty of space at the front door for parking (can park up to 4 cars, mabe 5 if all small car). the rooms are also giant, the smallest room is actually the size of my home's living room, imagine that!!!!
we decided to rent the house on the spot. Actually, I prefer to have a single room for my own. People usually can't stand my sleeping pattern, especially the alarm clock part...Zzzz
Tomorrow I expect the department of surgery will ask me to work staright away, but I just dont feel like ready to work yet. No car yet, how to go to work?!
Speaking of car, is another trouble. Staying here, car is neccessary because the hospital is divided into 3 different places.
To buy a car, I need downpayment, though my brother says can rent me money, but I feel guitly for spending so many money....but,,,,,arh..........
I have to prepare myself to start work tomorrow, thought I really really don't want to.
tomorrow have to go find a car, move into the house we rented...settle down...
hope everything will be okay after that.
Stay positive, at least I get the most free posting- surgery, not that stressful : )
I can do it!

Sabah.....here I come!!!!!

2009-06-23T09:11:00.000-07:00

the only photo with me inside, though hardly can see my face, but still wanna put here

today very tired, long hours of journey from home-temerloh-kl-klia-sabah, it took me almost 10 hours to reach sabah. I leave home around 2pm, by the time I am at sabah, is already 11pm.

No energy to write today......tomorrow start working liao, keeping my finger crossed for everything to go smoothly, pray hard!

no time to blog in BTN, sad

2009-06-18T23:21:00.000-07:00

last 2 weeks was fun and I can blog everyday, now that I am in BTN, there is no time for sleep!!!!
but, I stil manage to steal some time to blog, kekeke
so sad, cannot go online for the next 4 days....
after that fly to sabah liao lor
hope the journey from melaka-temerloh-triang, then from triang-kuala lumpur-KLIA will be fine....
the journey sounds tiring....but what to dO????
Ceramah is starting, I have to offline liao

令我心花怒放的花絮

2009-06-15T04:38:00.000-07:00

刚刚在酒店吃完晚餐，就乘电梯上楼。
电梯打开后，还差点撞到一群马来女生。他们正跑着去搭电梯。
我走到房门，发现钥匙在roommate那里，就又冲回电梯，要下出跟roommate 拿钥匙。
那班马来女生还在那里等电梯。
在他们还没看到我前，我听到其中一个女生说的最后一个字是：handsomenya....
他们看到我后，就很害羞地，突然的静了下来。
我也装作若无其事的，跟他们搭同一个电梯下去。
其实，内心是爽得很的。。。哈哈！

很少听到人家称赞自己帅，自己也不觉得自己帅。
其实外在不重要，（骗人的，在这个时代，外在是满重要的）但是，自信更重要！

Induksi exam countdown 6 hour

2009-06-14T11:32:00.000-07:00

There is only 6 hour left before induksi exam, and I am still online'ing, because I can't sleep.

Many things running through my head, thinking of the exam, thinking of the life as a houseman, how to survive housemanship, how to get enough sleep (I counted, MAXIMUM 5 hours of sleep per day, how????sad!!!!), and no off day, even weekend we are expected to work like hell!!!!!!!!!

I will have no time for facebaook, blog, download shows, watching show.....

Frankly, I never knew about this side of a doctor until now (many seniors mentioned medicine is hard and tried to talk us to quit when we were in 1st year, but, the reality is much worse than word can describe. Not to mention to go through the whole process!!!!Even harder!!!!)

If I could turn back to clock, will never in a million years put medicine as my choice. When I put medicine in my choice, I was not hoping to get it, because everyone was telling how hard is it to get into medicine, because you need more than a good result. The course I thought of getting at that time was Pharmacy or Nutritionist....who knows....

Maybe it happends for a reason. I am grateful to get into medicine because I have learnt and grow so much (not just learing about medicine). Being a doctor opens up so many doors, because we are doctor!

Now, there is no turning back, I can only move forward, no matter how tough it will be. I never thought I can pass medicine, but I did. We have so many hidden potentials that are yet to be discovered....

Have to be positive, there will be a way! Everyone has make it through, so I will.
hope tomorrow's exam goes well, have to pass this paper to secure a salary increment after housemanship : )

Everyday blogging

2009-06-13T10:32:00.000-07:00

I just realise I have been blogging everyday since this induksi starts. Having no time to sleep and study, I still can find time or sacrifce time to blog, I am impressed by myself!!!!

It is 1:41am and I just can't go to bed to sleep before I update my blog. Blogging has become one of the must-list for me, maybe is an excuse to go online?!

Find it very fun to blog, I can write everything I want randomly. Seeing a comment is just exciting...

Tomorrow I have to wake up 715am to attend class, which means I only have 5 hours of sleep, not enough for me, but what to do? There is even less time to sleep after working as a houseman!!!

Hope tomorrow will be a effective study day, for tomorrow is the last day before induksi exam!

Enjoy the life to study now, because, there will be no life after working!!!!

Gambate!!!!!!

Hope everyone passes the induksi exam. Horray!!!!!

Time to sleep, really sleeepy!!!!

induksi sucks, especially the exam part

2009-06-12T09:48:00.000-07:00

now is 12:56 and I am still awake to study the power point of those boring ceramah!!!
the content is so so dry that I keep falling asleep in between.
Exam is next 2 day, and I have more than 10 topics to cover. The exam has objective and essay part, each for 2 hours. If we fail (touch wood), we have to reseat the exam. If not, we will not be able to get a naik pangkat and naik gaji after 2 years of Housmanship.
I cannot fail, there is no room for that to happend!!!Naik gaji is so important!!!!
Must study hard, but, really sucky ler!!!!! sob sob : (

Love this song so much!!!!!

2009-06-11T09:46:00.000-07:00

Smoky Mountain Memories

You oughta go north somebody told us

Cause the air is filled with gold dust

And fortune falls like snow flakes in your hands

Now I don't recall who said it

But we lived so long on credit

So we headed out to find our promised land

Just poor Smokey Mountain farm folk With nothing more than high hopes

As we hitched our station wagon to a star

But our dreams all fell in on us

Cause there was no land of promise

And this stuggle keepin' sight of who you are

Oh and these northern nights are dreary

And my southern heart is weary

As I wonder how the old folks are back home

But I know that they all love me

And I know they're thinking of me

Smokey Mountain memories keep me strong

You know I've been thinkin' a whole lot lately

'Bout what's been and what awaits me

It takes all I've got to give what life demands

You'll go insane if you give in to it

Life's a mill and I've been through it

I'm just thankful I'm creative with my hands

Oh and these northern nights are dreary

And my southern eyes are teary

As I wonder how the old folks are back home

But I'll keep leanin' on my Jesus

Who loves and guides and lead us

The Smokey Mountain memories keep me strong

I'll keep looking to the father

Keep our head above the water

Smoky Mountains memories Keep me strong

Encounter this song in Season 7 of American Idol, love it because of 2 reasons:

1. David Archuleta sang it very well, (I was very disappointed when he din't win)

2. The lyric is very touching, like describing my feeling now. Going to sabah, a place which is so far from home...I do hope there is 'gold dust' there, haha. Once I go there, it will be at least 4 years. Though I can earn more money there, still, I hope to come back to somewhere near hometown. Afterall, where is more comfortable than home?!

I keep repeating this song in my laptop, I just won't get bored of it : ) Hope you all will like the song (and david archuleta)!!!!

要不要带车去sabah?!

2009-06-09T09:40:00.000-07:00

好多东西要考虑，带或不带？
想了好多，pros and cons....
还是不懂那个决定好。
要在下个星期前，决定！！！！

莫名其妙的感触

2009-06-08T08:33:00.000-07:00

或许是要开工了，或许是要去沙巴了，好多感触, 上一篇写好多东西哦！！！！

因为，开始工作，就会是另一个人生阶段。开始赚钱，养家，做一个‘大人‘做的事。选择去沙巴，是一个很大的决定，我想了好久。就算到现在，还是有点不确定，睡前，还会在想，‘留在半岛是否会好一点？’

现在要烦怎样运车过去，不只麻烦，还要很多钱，家人知道这些，就说：为什么选酱远，在temerloh, kl , 不就省了这些钱/麻烦？！听就了，也会想，他们说得也对。

但是，我还是要去sabah, 自己做的决定嘛！

不能像以前那样。

好多坏习惯要改。

现在，是期待，又有点害怕。

还没settle lapor diri的东西，还有车，住宿。。。

写得好困，要睡觉了。

对不起，原谅我任性。。。

2009-06-07T08:50:00.000-07:00

今天，刚刚知道houseman 的hospital. 如我所愿，拿到了sabah, Kota Kinabalu. 开心了一阵子。打了电话给家里人。他们一路以来都不赞成我去sabah, 但我就是这样，作我想做的事情，心想，你们懂什么？！又不是你们要去做工？

他们想我在靠近家的地方，其实，我就想离家远一点。不想呆在pahang, 又厌倦了kl 的生活。Sabah 是个好地方，较多机会可以学到很多东西。我不想一开始做工就呆在pahang,尤其是temerloh, 没有娱乐，好显的。

趁年轻，去看看外面的世界，而且，以后mo回来也更容易。

我也想跟你们将这些，但是。。。

是我，我没办法跟你们沟通。。。我也没有想办法跟你们沟通。。。

我应该学会包容，像你们包容我。

我像硬了翅膀的小鸟，学会飞了，就不顾一切的飞向外面的万里晴空。

当我回头看时，才发现，我离家越来越远。

远到我看不见了。

很多时候，我以为是家离我越来越远，

但是，它一直都在那里，是我的心飞了出去，不想回来。

让我任性多两年，sabah 后，我会回来。

硬了翅膀的小鸟，会回到属于他的巢。

是时候改一改自己的个性，尤其是对家里人。

我会努力的。
。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。
真的要去sabah了，希望我们四个人可以一起去啦，酱比较爽。

好高兴可以开工赚钱了！

1st day k.terenganu induksi

2009-06-05T09:18:00.000-07:00

reach k.terenganu at 430pm, phew, lucky I managed to get here before 5 pm (check in only from 230-5pm).Damn the bus, got delay for 1 and a half hour!!!
After resting for just 30 minutes, the introduction starts!
Ceramah lor, boring....but informative also la
I know that if I get Sabah, then I will only have maximum 2-3 days to lapor diri to hospital and the jabatan kesihatan negeri as well. (actually, have to go jabatan kesihatan negeri 1st) 2 days, how short is that time? to prepare everything and fly from pahang to sabah!!!
I come k.terenganu with the newly bought 30 inch huge luggage, which only cost me Rm 100. worthy. It is so giant that I can fit myself into the suitcase!!!hehe
Crossing my fingers that I do get the hospital that I want.
My brother called and questioned me about my sabah choice. wondering what the hell I was thinking to choose the furthest place in Malaysia! the answer: I just can't stay so near home...
sigh!!!!

好烦，不要烦我！！！

2009-06-04T06:16:00.000-07:00

好想快点开工，赚自己的钱。
被烦得不耐烦了，什么都要过问，烦死了。
我不懂怎样跟你解释，讲了你也不懂！！！！
啊！！！！！！！！！！

Money money here I come

2009-05-28T07:06:00.000-07:00

going to start induksi on 5th june, cant wait to start working liao!!!!!
finally, I can get out of this boring hometown (not that i dont like it, but after staying here for such long time, i just cant wait to get the hell out of here!)
i am so happy about starting work, because, first, I can start doing something!!!something, i dont care what it is, at least i m not doing nothing!!!!literally, i m doing nothing everyday at home, NOTHING!!!
second, earning money!!!!Money money, here i come,but too bad, due to our lousy government efficacy, we r not to get our salary for the first 2-3 months. very sad to be dependent on parents still.
third, looking forward to new chapter of life!!!especially if i do get to go sabah. new environment, everything is new!!!!Cant wait!!!!!
but, still have many things left not finished.
1. medical check up, the appointment on 5th june, exactly the same date as induksi, now dont know how to settle it before 5th june...aaaaaaaaaaaaa
2. provisional registration letter from mmc, they hav just received my full documents, i still have to wait about 1 week until the arrival of the letter.
i hope to get these 2 thing finished before 5th june!but really no idea how to bring forward the medical checkup appointment, plan to drive up mentakab next monday or so to see whether the urine drug test is ready!but, still risky, and waste petrol, energy if i still cant bring the appointment earlier...might as well do it all in private...no waiting...aih......
really frustrated with government clinic, why we need to wait so long ????so so long!!!!all the process, waiting, and more waiting, really suck!!!!
the 1 thing i really looking forward to is earning money!!!!!hehe

酒精的威力

2009-05-22T22:53:00.000-07:00

昨天，是亲戚的结婚典礼，晚上，有自由餐，我的姨丈，喝醉了，然后，像发了疯似的，也像发羊吊似的，看了让人捏把冷汗，我还以为是什么严重的事。还好，到头来，只是喝太多了。

我从小就看过好多这种喝醉酒的画面，所以我不喝酒。

我不明白，为什么他们很得那么辛苦，还是要喝？

我姨姨，昨晚，看着她老公那样，好怕他真的会有什么严重的事。

远离酒精，不要酗酒。

so bored....

2009-05-18T08:21:00.000-07:00

I cant stand the life at hometown without internet and entertainment...
Hope to start working soon, but at the same time, feeling nervous for the new chapter of life!
I am glad that I dint choose to work in Temerloh because, there is nothing interesting there either!
Everything on fb is about induksi, but I am a little worry because I have not received the letter from MMC yet. (should have done it by PostLaju!)
People are talking that we might start induksi on 25th of May. If so, I will not have enough time to received the MMC letter to proceed with my medical check up and all the others stuffs...
Hoping it will be early june, but on the other hand, I am so so sick of staying at home already!!!

I want to better my life and our life

2009-05-10T09:02:00.000-07:00

My family, has always been not so rich/not rich at all/poor???
I thought it is a past tense for our financial status, but something has struck me and made me realize it is still a present tense.

Going to Thailand for my graduation trip and spending money on many things like karaoke, shopping, dinners, travels....has cost a lot.

When I talk to my parents about needing some money even at the first 1-2 months of starting work, they are surprised.

I never really knew about the money our family have because I do not need worry about the payments, insurance....

Shocked to hear something from my parents, that awakens me from my dream and getting back to reality. Now i can understand why they keep asking me to go to work at Singapore instead of staying at Malaysia.

Feeling sad after knowing that. I hope things will get better as i start working and earn money. That is the aim for me to bust my ass to get through university.

I don't want to be like those old days anymore, ever again! I will make this a history.

Hoping what I earn as a doctor will keep my family above the water, hopefully more than just above the water!

my first motivational talk...

2009-05-07T21:41:00.000-07:00

This morning, I woke up exceptionally early, to go to SMK keray0ng for a talk. Promised Mr Chang to give this motivational talk to his form 3-5 students.

the night before this talk, i was really freaked out. Preparing the slide was a torture, especially when i found out i only have 30 pages of power point to talk, half of them are picture!!!!
Being the first talk that i give, I don't know what will happen. What if i don't know what to talk in front of the audience? Horrible to think!!!!

Eventually, I went and delivered the talk. The first 20 minutes, was awkward for me and the students. i finished the PowerPoint in less than half an hour....I don't know what to talk anymore, then I started to invite questions from the floor.

After the first awkward part, things get better as I asked volunteers to come out to experience my stethoscope, tendon hammer, torch light....Students start to be more comfortable and ask questions

Lucky there were teachers there to help me. When students get shy to come out or ask question, they will help to ask them to speak up...thanks for them
Overall, it was Okay, not as bad as i would imagine. Although there were some moments i actually have 'speech-block' or total silence...

Anyway, I am happy with it, it is my very first time, We always make stupid mistakes during first time mah, that's how we learn and grow.
After the talk, I was given this as souvenir, and out of my surprise, an envelop with money in it!!!
so happy, can earn money ler!!!!Happy!!!! : ) I wasn't expecting money at all!!!!

Never thought I can be someone up there to give motivational talk! Really! I am an inspiration to the students here? Still cant believe that.

I seldom do sharing, some of the thing i shared today, i have never told anyone...i seldom share emotional and personal things, bcos I feel vulnerable and insecure to expose my emotion and feeling. This is a very big step for me, to let myself be vulnerable...

Through this talk, I hope it can at least do something good to at least 1 student. if even 1 student gets benefit from it, it is worthy of doing!

He is the one who made me to do this talk, erm, thank you. Our beloved teacher.

Getting An Aircondition for my house tomorrow

2009-05-05T07:14:00.000-07:00

yeah, finally, after so many pursuations and saliva, my stubborn mum has agreed to get a aircon for our house.
so happy, cos, the weather recently is driving me insane.

another funny thing that happened was, my ex-teacher asked me to do a motivation talk at his school to 2nd school student...he trapped me into saying yes, when i asked for his help to certify the MMC documents.
He left me no choice but to say yes
then, i hav to talk in front of around 60+ of students, sharing my journey of study, from a kampong boy to a Dr now (still not use to calling myself a dr)
to be frank, i m freaking out, dont know what i wanna talk for an hour
if u know me well, i m not that type of talking people, i dont talk in excess, especially public speaking....aih...
somemore, is 1hour of talk. and it needs to be delivered in either english or malay. (of course i choose english, malay is no no)(i was hoping mandarin though, but there are few malay students as well)
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, stressed~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chang, why u ask me to do such thing????!!!! i m freaking out.....
but, for the sake of giving back to school (he told me to), i think that is the very little thing i can do for the school lor...aih, stil worry though

hate staying at home...

2009-05-04T08:05:00.000-07:00

u might think i m crazy to say i hate staying at home
Home is great if I am back for short weekend to rest and relax
but for this holiday, after just 5 days of staying at home, it is driving me crazy!!!!!!!!!
is Crazy!!!!!!!!!
Imagine life without internet, downloading, my shows.....Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Having to see my mother for 24 hours everyday is also driving me crazy
for example, when i frist got home, i found my room was re-arranged-the way i hate it(she did it)!!!!!
talking to her is irritating to both of us....aih.....
so i dont want to talk....
i want to get out...so i go melaka trip after less than 1 week of staying at home
later might go north , lucky i have all these trips....
and i am now so so bored that i come to this '2nd hand smoking' cyber cafe to blog about my feeling...hahah
i had surveyed every possibilities to have internet at home, but i ended up devastated.
Having no 3G coverage and what sadder is no telepone line to get streammyx!!!!!!!!!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa, i hate my home town for this
and, after 2 weeks,i start missing swimming pool and swimming....but,aih.....
i dont wanna think about that anymore, is making me sadder
1 more thing to complaint about, is the weather....
I dont know what has happened to our planet, Global Warming!!!!!!!!!!!!!
it is so so damn hot no matter it is day or night (i can even sweat at night!!!!!)
sometimes i think it is so hot that maybe hari kiamat is coming....Zzzzz
i want an air conditioner please..........
i think i need to adapt myself to the basic life of a kampong......after staying at Kl for 5 years, i think i have been 'urbanized', now i have 'ruralise'myself so that i can live here for the next 1 month before the induksi program

First time being out of the Malaysia

2009-04-15T10:43:00.000-07:00

My very first trip outside of malaysia was to phuket. Finally, at the age of 24, I have my own passport, have it chopped for the first time.

The whole trip was fun, but I spent all of my money there, sob sob...(haven't start earning money already broke)

We spent 7days in phuket, basically more than enough to travel from the South(Phang Nga) to the north (Leam Phromtrep)part of phuket.

Phang Nga - water rafting and elephant trekking, plus a special meal of monkey meat and monkey brain's omelet...interesting....

Leam Phromterp- beautiful sunset and coast line

Phi Phi island- breath taking view, crystal clear water, snorkeling, swimming

Fantasea- a grand show, huge stage, and nice buffet!!!!!

Patong beach- long white sand beach, swimming, sun bathing(I am so tanned now, look like an local Thai, many of the locals speak Thai to me zzZZZ)and not forgetting, the very well known tiger show/ping pong show. it was an EYE OPENING experience, really!!!

Phuket town- shopping malls, and night market was so so nice!!!!Cheap clothes and variety of local food, ate fried grasshopper and bee's baby, new experiences!!!!Thai food was my favourite, love it all, sour and spicy

Bungy jump- I don't have to gut (and the money) to do it, while the other 3 friends all did it! It was scary enough to watch...they really have guts!!!!

Last but not least- 'songkran' / thailand water festival, this is considered as thailand's new year. we ride a motocycle around the beach, attacking people on 4 wheels drive, pedestrians, bascially every1 on the street. Every1 wil get soaking wet, it was so much fun, and is the highlight of this trip, and a nice ending to the trip!!!

Phuket Trip

2009-04-11T03:55:00.001-07:00

Today is day 4 of phuket trip, so far we have been

day 1: Fantasea, a great grand show with a nice buffet. see elephants on the stage performing...

day 2: phang nga, for water rafting and elephant riding. water rafting was 'chi zi', and elephant riding was also sacry, becos we got to sit on the elepant's back!!!!

day 3: city tour by taxi, went beaches hopping, from karon-kata to phearmtrop cape, for the most famous phuket scenery_sunset. clound was thick and we were not able to see the most beautiful monemt of the sunset

day 4: pipi island, snorkelling and swimming....we swan at 1 beach around the rocks, the current was so strong it brought us far away from the beach, we swam so so so hard to fight with the current and finally landed on the beach!It was scary, i thouhgt i was dying....drifted away by the wave...; (

Day 5 to come: songkran and phuket town night market

we spent almost all of our budget already, now is over budget...hav to save money....

So many to thank for after final exam...

2009-04-06T13:02:00.000-07:00

Result was out yesterday and we went out celebrate until now (330am of the next morning, my first time clubbing, wow, it was insanely fun!). During the graduation dinner, I was so lucky to get the GRAND price of the lucky draw, which is a NIKON digital camera worth at least Rm 500?!

Going through this final MBBS exam is indeed horrible!

But with the friends, and lectures, making it much easier for me!

I want to thank for

study group mates: pian2 sock cai see jong, for helping me to arm myself with the knowledge for this exam. I am so sorry for my laziness and thank for ur patience with my laziness and negativism....without u all, I can't imagine how am I going to push myself through my own tough time! Really, I am so proud of our study group!

friends kok soon, see jong, wilson, neoh,kian hua...who are always there for me, to listen to me complaining about the stress of exam, who go out and eat with me when I am sick of the dining hall's food, go supper with me when I am bored/hungry (though this has made me gain weight, But I still love going supper with u all), da pao food for me, PM me once in a while, making me know that I am not alone in this process, go coffee bean when I am sick of being in room alone....still tons of things to write...

swimming kaki, especially neoh and kian hua, who I always bother to get me to swimming pool (because they both have transport, I don't).Love going swimming with u all, it is the very little time we can throw out book aside, and exercise and talk nonsense....Swimming with u all means a lot to me, because it is the only sport i know to de-stress! Every swimming is relaxing and the post swimming outside food is also rewarding!!!!

my family members, to be considerate with me, and tolerant with my bad temper...I have always been the 'different' child amongst all sibling, not easy to open myself to any of them...I know how much they love me, but it is very hard for me to break the wall....By passing this MBBS exam, i know how proud they are for me. Raised from an illiterate family, it is very big of a deal to have 1 child to graduate from University, what more to be a doctor? None of my siblings managed to get beyond secondary school...so far only me...It is sometimes very hard to communicate with them because of the difference in level of education, but I will try harder in the future!!!!

After all, I want to thank God, for never forsake me even though I forget Him very often. Thank God for everything you have given me, I shall cherish them everyday, because
I am hell of a lucky bastard!!!!

The Biggest Loser

2009-03-29T02:49:00.000-07:00

This is a reality show that i found online recently. From the name, you might think is a 'loser' show, but it is actually a very good reality show on tv!!! It is a show to help obese people in America to lose weight.

Almost all contestant is morbidly obese (seriously obese that is a medical illness!) here is the picture to show u all

please pay attention to the right side one, see how many abdominal fold he has!!!wow. And, you know what? that old fat guy is a diabetic, hypertensive, hypercholesterol.....not surprising..what surprises me is: he had had gastric bypass done few years ago, still, he still obese....scary!!!!!!!!!

Most of the contestant on the show did reduce their weight successfully

look at this one, wow, he has not only lose weight, but also gained muscle!!!! That is a healthy body okay?!

What is good about this show is, they help them lose weight by the correct methods: diet and exercise!!!all the other methods like pills, liposuction, bulimia....not in the show!!!! with the help from 2 personal trainer: Bob and Jillian, they advice the contestant about diet and correct exercise!!!!I have learnt some useful tips as well by watching the show.

there are so many touching moments in this show, 1 of my friend actually cried after watching it!!!Fat people have their insecurity and love as well. In the show, 1 contestant scarified her place in the show so that her sister can continue in the programme! how selfless!!!You all should totally watch the show, especially if you think you r fat and need to lose weight!!!!!!!!!!

I also need to lose weight!!!!! Although many of my friends keep on telling me I am still normal, but i think I am FAT, on my way to OVERWEIGHT!!!!!!!I have gained 3 kg from past 5 years. My BMI used to be 18.5-19.1. Now, I weight 58 kg and my BMI is almost 21!!!!!!!!!!!The fat is shown on my face and waist!!!!!!!!I hate this so so much!!!I used to be a skinny one, now, people calling fat, because of the 3kg i gained, and it is showing on my face!!!!!!!!!NIGHTMARE!!!

Many of my friends start gaining weight after working. I am so so scared to let my weight out of control after working! so , we have to be very conscious about what we eat, how much we burnt!!!because, all the extra calories will be transformed into fat tissue, under Ur skin!!!!!!!!!!

As a future doctor (keeping my finger crossed to pass exam), how do we advice patient to lose weight and exercise, if we ourself also don't practice it!?

tomorrow is the start of 2nd week of exam, long and short case. Wish every1 best of luck, stay calm and kick ass!!!!!!!!!yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!

汗流浃背的感觉，爽！

2009-03-21T04:08:00.000-07:00

Countdown to final MBBS 6 days

2009-03-16T15:49:00.000-07:00

Argh............AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaa

Nothing else can express my feeling except these "argh and aaaaa..."
I suddenly fell so anxious, having palpitation just thinking about the exam. Not only that, my sleeping disorder has come back. I just couldn't sleep at night and my circadian rhythm has gone haywire...and I hate it! I also hate myself for indulging in movies, shows, facebook, blogging....Praying very hard to have my normal sleep again! I don't want to re-experience the sleeping problem that I had during 4rd year final exam. Though this exam is much more stressful than any of the previous exam, I still hope that I can go to exam with a fresh mind and enough sleep the night before exam.

To make myself happy, I think about the trip after exam with wilson, elaine and ding. (keeping my finger crossed everything go smooth for exam). We plan to go phuket for 1 week. I am so looking forward to the trip because it will be my first time being out of the country. (I have not even been to Singapore). But, I still don't have a passport yet, must go and make one.haha.

Last 6 days, I must stay positive and study hard. I can do it, we can do it! Gambate

一块香蕉

2009-03-12T01:31:00.000-07:00

当你听到“一块香蕉”时，你会想到什么？
那天，和朋友去外吃晚餐。吃完后，大家都想买点小东西回去吃。
‘某某’（不能写真名，他会打死我！）毛遂自荐，说要帮我去买。
于是，我就说了:"帮我买一块香蕉"
过了几分钟，他回来了，手里拿着一个小小的plastic bag,你面装着‘一条’小小的炸香蕉。
我重复，是‘一条’，就只有‘一条’香蕉。
我顿时破腹大笑，因为他以为我叫他买‘一条’香蕉。而我说的‘一块’是指‘一令吉’的炸香蕉。
隔了几天，我们又出去吃，然后我叫‘某某’打包 ‘一个红豆，一个芝麻’（的油炸鬼）但是，他以为我叫他买 ‘一个红豆，一个芝麻‘ （糖水）当他拿着两包糖水回来时，我又再次的破腹大笑。
‘某某’，谢谢你带给我们这么多生活笑点，太开心了。让我的study week 快乐一点。
ps: 别打我哦！！！

Jogging

2009-03-08T09:22:00.000-07:00

Countdown to final exam: 14 days

Since it is a long study week, we try to stay healthy going through this long grueling study week by regular exercise. (another reason is to lose weight) Ks, Kh and I went jogging this afternoon and took some photo at UM gorgeous lake after we jog.

Just want to share some funny photo here

see, my finger is glowing....wow

this is the floor I am living at now B431 is my room

I am not good enough

2009-03-02T11:34:00.000-08:00

Today after study group short case, I feel so so depressed... I think I need to realise how not good enough I am to face this final exam...My study group mates,they are very good and hardworking students. I really look up to them for the initiatives and hard work they put into studying medicine.
They did a lot of work in this study group, like contacting doctors, preparing past years....what I did was so little compared with what they have done.
I do appreciate what they have done and felt sorry for my laziness....
Thanks to my study group mates for everything....
Hope we can all pass the exam with flying colors!
20 more days to go...Gambateh!!!!!!!!

I want sing K! I need to sing K, need it desperatelly!!!

2009-03-01T13:58:00.000-08:00

Arhhhhhhhh, the nerves of the exam and study week are getting into me. I feel like going insane just thinking of it.

I finally managed to finish all the case sum and reports that needed to be submitted last friday. Anyway, I did finish them all. Even though I am not proud of how I did the report.

Feel so relieved after finishing all the stupid reports. Now I can focus on planning for my study week and all the reading....

Singing K has always been one of the best ways for me to release tension.

I love singing my heart and lung out in karaok box.

Need not to care about how pitchy or out of tune I sing.

We just need to vent out our emotion, anger, frustration, tension, nerves, disappointment...

It makes me happy to sing. I think the reason is because, I rarely talk about my feeling, or I am insecured to talk about my feeling.

Any one wants to join my study week sing K programme????

If interested please leave a comment here then we can go together

New Blog

2009-02-28T18:37:00.000-08:00

I am so frustrated with the previous blog-yuan yuan bu jue, because people always have difficulties trying to go to my blog. Decided to create another blog in the hope to have that problem solved.
Can you see this post now in the update? I hope you all can now...

源源不绝: 叶子#links

2009-02-24T13:03:00.000-08:00

源源不绝: 叶子#links

叶子

2009-02-17T11:45:00.000-08:00

今天在一个歌唱节目听到这首歌，以前听到时，就超爱。
现在听回，仿佛回到以前的感觉。我还记得是在matrik
歌词有几句写得超棒，我想是很多人的心声吧。

我一个人吃饭，旅行，到处走走停停。
也以个人看书，写信，自己对话谈心，
只是心又飘到哪里，就连自己看也看不清。

孤单，是一个人的狂欢；狂欢，是一群人的孤单。

现在这时代，写部落格，是不是有点像歌词里说的：
一个人写信，自己对话谈心？

我像一片叶子，飘飘荡荡，毫无方向。。。

自律

2009-02-16T11:27:00.000-08:00

自律，这是一个我急需要修的课。从中学开始，班主任就已经苦口婆心劝我，一个人的纪律很重要。要对自己做的一切负责，尤其是时间的管理。一直到现在，我还是一如往常，迟到，睡迟是我的注册商标。上课可以不去，为了睡觉。

我从来都没有成功改过任何一个坏习惯。第二个，非咖啡莫属。为了放纵自己的味觉，我宁愿牺牲睡眠。我到现在已经对自己绝望了。

最近，因为期考要到了，很多的报告要赶在截止日期前交上。我答应自己要把他们一一作完，却一天拖一天。明日复明日，万事成蹉跎。我现在已想到那些报告，真的想吐。怎样都没办法坐下来，乖乖的做完。为什么不能争气一点，看看身边的同学，大家都做完了。现在是开始为考试冲刺的时候，我却还在为这些小报告烦恼。好懊恼，好想刮自己两记耳光，把自己打醒。离考试还有三十四天而已。

我被这些压力压得喘不过气，只好把focus转到连续集，网路世界，会周公，电脑游戏，麻将，等等。。。逃避是我最在行。

你要何时才苏醒？何时才要长大，做个对自己负责任的人？对自己行为负责的人？从生活中就看得出我的纪律，迟到，睡过龙。。。

这是我要给人的印象吗？好像已经根深蒂固了吧？！
都24岁了，我到即何时才肯改掉这些一路绊倒我的恶习？！
人真的很贱，懒惰，放纵，懦弱，
总要到了紧要关头，才肯放下心去做。

啊！！！上帝啊，坚强我的心志，让我好好利用剩下的这几天来冲刺。

懒惰人哪，你要睡到几时呢？
再睡片时，打盹片时，抱着手躺卧片时，
你的贫穷比如强盗速来，
你的缺乏仿佛拿兵器的人来到。箴言：6：10-11

读这经句，仿佛是当头棒喝，我就是那种人。
一直睡，不知道强盗，拿兵器的人，已经在面前了。
还要睡，你要睡到几时呢？！！
醒醒吧，是时候醒了！

我要减肥 PART 2

2009-02-05T19:44:00.000-08:00

新年时，看到了很多一年才看到的姑姑姨姨。一年不见，他们一眼就看出我的脸肿。姑姑告诉我说：肥点才好看，以前太瘦了。我心想：我才不要肥，肥在脸上更恐怖。他更叮咛我说：你千万不要减肥，酱很好。我心里OS: 我当然要减肥，每个人都看得出我肥了。我不想成为毕业后就发福的一员。
当惯瘦子，现在成为肥子的一员，很不是滋味。我现在可以体会为体重烦恼的人们。
新年完后，量一量体重，又多了1KG.现在，差不多60KG. OMG, "晴天霹雳"！！！！
现在开始，要开始跑步，游泳。减少宵夜。

what has happened to me?

2009-02-04T14:17:00.000-08:00

maybe is the pressure of final exam or what.
I don't feel like myself recentlly.
Sleeping disorder is back, even more severe.
Addiction to caffein and shows is deeper than ever
Feel very low energy to do things...
Aih....symptoms of depression???!!
Must get myself together liao, exam is very very near!