Depression...
I think I have the houseman-related-depression.
Housemanship is just something that is not meant for a normal human being. Even though people keep telling me I should be grateful to start with surgery, but I already feel like crap now. Doing round in the morning, I am afraid to say something stupid or not accurate that is going to irritate the specialists and MOs, checking everything is done for at least 2 times, yet still will miss out something. Reading Ultrasound findings and memorizing every important points, because if I dont, people thinks that I am not doing my job. People expect me to be the last to go back home, waiting for on call people to come. kena scolded becasue I went back without waiting for the on call people...wrote the drug's dose wrongly and kena marked, wrote something stupid in case note and I am famous because of that-the houseman who does all tumor marker for patient with colo rectal ca, and is there something called ca 153(I was thinking of ca 135)? (I thought the MO said she wants all tumor markers, but in the end she says-did I ask for ALL tumor markers?Din't I just ask for CEA?!)I rarely think when clercking patients and reviewing them, cos if i think, i will not have the enough time to finish all the job.
but, the lesson i have learnt is to think on your own feet, even though people might tell u what to do, u stil have to think for your own. because my name is on the case note!
all these small thing is irritating, but is all these details that matter in medicine!!!!
I feel so not capable of this job, Kena scolded calling cardio MO to refer a case, kena question when go to approach radiologist for U/S or CT scan.....
even though I try to read the case note carefully, I still cant seem to memorise their problems and the important things, current plans....when asked, MO and S think that I dont know my patients.....
Is it possible to quit?! Am I strong enough to make it through? I have this crazy thought of quitting, seeing ppls quitting makes me feel more like quitting....but, I really need the money, is there a job there with similar pay but doesnt involved all the above's situation? I realize that I dont like handling life, cos ppl might die in front of us, collapse in front of me and I am responsible for their life.
Having work for 1 month, I still dont feel like blending in with other colleagues, only few of us (donna and me only are 1st poster), it is kinda hard to break the circle, but, I am frustrated with myself most of the time, because I need to be more socialble and talkative......but this is so so hard to me!!!!!!!!!
can i quit? will I allow myself to quit? but, how is life after quitting medicine? car payment/month is rm 715, how to cover that?
I dont know......how much longer can i hang on? surgery is like heaven to most HO who has went thru O n G, peads, and medicine. I m struggling in surgery, will i be able to survive peads, o n g and medicine in the future?
Housemanship is just something that is not meant for a normal human being. Even though people keep telling me I should be grateful to start with surgery, but I already feel like crap now. Doing round in the morning, I am afraid to say something stupid or not accurate that is going to irritate the specialists and MOs, checking everything is done for at least 2 times, yet still will miss out something. Reading Ultrasound findings and memorizing every important points, because if I dont, people thinks that I am not doing my job. People expect me to be the last to go back home, waiting for on call people to come. kena scolded becasue I went back without waiting for the on call people...wrote the drug's dose wrongly and kena marked, wrote something stupid in case note and I am famous because of that-the houseman who does all tumor marker for patient with colo rectal ca, and is there something called ca 153(I was thinking of ca 135)? (I thought the MO said she wants all tumor markers, but in the end she says-did I ask for ALL tumor markers?Din't I just ask for CEA?!)I rarely think when clercking patients and reviewing them, cos if i think, i will not have the enough time to finish all the job.
but, the lesson i have learnt is to think on your own feet, even though people might tell u what to do, u stil have to think for your own. because my name is on the case note!
all these small thing is irritating, but is all these details that matter in medicine!!!!
I feel so not capable of this job, Kena scolded calling cardio MO to refer a case, kena question when go to approach radiologist for U/S or CT scan.....
even though I try to read the case note carefully, I still cant seem to memorise their problems and the important things, current plans....when asked, MO and S think that I dont know my patients.....
Is it possible to quit?! Am I strong enough to make it through? I have this crazy thought of quitting, seeing ppls quitting makes me feel more like quitting....but, I really need the money, is there a job there with similar pay but doesnt involved all the above's situation? I realize that I dont like handling life, cos ppl might die in front of us, collapse in front of me and I am responsible for their life.
Having work for 1 month, I still dont feel like blending in with other colleagues, only few of us (donna and me only are 1st poster), it is kinda hard to break the circle, but, I am frustrated with myself most of the time, because I need to be more socialble and talkative......but this is so so hard to me!!!!!!!!!
can i quit? will I allow myself to quit? but, how is life after quitting medicine? car payment/month is rm 715, how to cover that?
I dont know......how much longer can i hang on? surgery is like heaven to most HO who has went thru O n G, peads, and medicine. I m struggling in surgery, will i be able to survive peads, o n g and medicine in the future?
There's light at the end of the tunnel....we need some perserverence and endless effort to go on....
ReplyDeleteFrend, cheer up~
ReplyDeleteDon't put so much burden on your shoulder..as long as u have done what you can then that's all.
Now is just the starting of your wokring life..still have long long way to go...everything would have its different ways to solve, depend which road u choose..
There are many non-doctor in M'sia or even the ppl around us are able to pay car loan o earn a lot of money..
recognize what do you want, money or the post as a doctor?
you have try your best or just an excuse to run away?
Sigh... I kind of understand how u feel...
ReplyDeleteI guess we share some similarity in personal character.
All those memories when I first started working flash back as I read thru ur blog n the hard feeling seem so fresh.
Though I'm not a medical student, I still can imagine what u've been thru..
But hey, it's not the end of the world yet! Every hardship will past and try not to focus on the problem u face but focus on how u can improve the condition in stead.
Don't gv up so easily. Every job has its hardship. If u interview ppl from all sort of occupation, they will complain to u how hard is their work n how they hate their jobs.
So cheer up and gv thanks in every circumstances.
i dont know, i m hanging on but dont know how long it can last
ReplyDeletehey, im sort of working without my brain at times, when reviewing the patients...it's more of a matter of finishing the tasks than doing them good... feel so bad bout it, yet couldn't help it.
ReplyDeleteits more of saving own ass with documenting this and that , i feel at times.. but what to do..
just bear with it. hope we can just make through it :)